How did this happen?? I spent over 40 years without needing to drink. I drank every now and then…..socially I guess. But even socially, I was gonna drink till i couldn’t stand. The first memory I have of drinking was at a friend’s house. I wasn’t even old enough to drive. I drank enough that I thought a swim in my clothes was a good idea. A football player pulled me out of the water. I remember who but I see no reason to bring names into this. I was soaking wet and sitting in a car where everyone was desperately trying to give me coffee and bread. I HATE coffee so I was trying to down the bread. My friend’s parents showed up to get us. I got in the back of the van and everyone tried hard to keep me quiet. I remember getting to the house and trying hard not to seem drunk. I had to make it up the stairs. I think I was successful!! From that moment on I rarely drank. Then came graduation night. I remember arriving there…..I wasn’t a fan of beer but I wasn’t able to find anyone to get alcohol for me so I settled for it. After just few alcoholic drinks, beer wasn’t quite as bad. After a few beers, I didn’t really question what I was smoking, and after a few puffs….I didn’t question what I was smoking. All I remember for the rest of the night was me folded in half puking and people asking who was puking. I remember the person holding me up screaming my name. I was then thrown in the back of a truck while the party continued. Later on, everyone decided to go to waffle house. I was then thrown into the cab of the truck to keep me safe till they returned. Apparently they did return and lifted me from the truck into my car. I was then driven from the field to my boyfriend’s house. I was laid in the bed where I stared at the clock for hours. I was awake and aware of everything happening but was completely paralyzed! After many hours of laying there unable to move, I finally was able to crawl to the shower and wash myself off. I had family from PA waiting for me to take them on a tour. I did my best to stay conscious and show off Charleston. I’m not too sure how well I did BUT I did survive!!!

Alright y’all……I started this therapy thing a while back and everything was moving along just splendidly! I was mostly motivated to do it by the fact that I cry too dang much!! I wanna be able to see a friend cry and go give them a hug and tell em it’s gonna be alright. Instead I see em cry and don’t even know why they’re crying and the next thing I know, I’m more of a basket case than they are! Ridiculous! I know it’s ridiculous, but I can’t help it!! Drives me crazy!! Then there’s songs….different songs for different reasons. Could probably be helpful if I quit listening to country but that’s not gonna happen so we gotta find a different solution. Therapy was doin the trick. I went and cried for an hour and told her all the things that happened. I wrote a couple stories for y’all to read that helped me get out the feelings for some of the people but now it’s back!! It came back slowly….there were some little things that I was able to mostly suck up the tears for and then I lost it at church when I saw a friend crying. I was getting hugs on the way out of church and NOTHING even happened to me! Then this morning my son plays a song that mentions a 21 gun salute and Lord have mercy I couldn’t keep it together. I mean I kinda did….good enough for the moment. Thank goodness for sunglasses. I don’t even know what all the song was about….I think it was a hell of an Amen? Anyway, that’s it! I don’t wanna cry over stupid stuff anymore! So we’re gonna talk about all of y’all!! We got Daddy (oct 12, 2006), Uncle jack (April 12, 2010), Mommy (June 9, 2011), and my 21 gun salute man Poppop (Sept 11, 2016). I really don’t know which one of y’all I’m hung up on but I’m tired of it so here we go!

Daddy

Daddy and I did pretty much everything together. His wife wasn’t real fond of going out and doing a lot and my husband wasn’t very fond of me period so whatever we did, we did together. Daddy lived next door so it was pretty convenient. We called each other up to go grocery shopping, go to the flea market, take the kids on adventures, whatever popped in our minds that day. Shortly before he died, he started taking diet pills (I think that’s what it was). I don’t know if they reacted to another medicine he was on or what happened but it changed him completely. He became violent and angry most of the time, which was the absolute polar opposite of his normal self! I tried to talk to him multiple times about it and begged him to stop taking them but he wouldn’t. I spoke to his wife and asked her to try to do something. I don’t know if she did but if she did then it didn’t work. A few episodes that happened shortly before he died…….He was arguing with his mother and when his dad came out with a golf club he snatched the golf club and broke it over his knee. Another time his mother and I tried to talk to him about it and he picked up a chair to throw at her. I had to stand between them. So the final episode……the last time I spoke to my father…..I had my youngest son in the car seat and I left the car running to go in his house and explain to him that as long as he was taking those pills then I couldn’t be around him or allow my children around him. I was fairly close to the door and he was another room away from me when I told him. I saw him turn red immediately and start running towards me. I took off to the door and made it but he grabbed me and had me in a head lock. I honestly don’t know what all he was screaming but I managed to get loose and get the door open to run out. He then grabbed me by my ponytail and pulled me back in the house. I got free again and made it to the car and took off. I called his wife to tell her what happened but she just laughed and said to just leave him alone and he was fine. He called me a few times and left messages on my answering machine begging me to talk to him but I refused to do so until he stopped with the pills. Two weeks after this incident I was home late one night just playin on the computer after the kids were in bed. I got a phone call, the man asked me if I could come to the door. He said he was a police officer and he was outside in my yard which scared me to be honest. I started asking who he was and why he was in my yard. He then said I’m actually and your mother and father’s house but I need to speak to you. Well I immediately assumed that daddy had done something to his wife and I panicked and agreed to go to the door. When I answered the door I had a devastating and somewhat ridiculous conversation with the officer:

Officer- Ma’am your father was involved in an accident tonight in Orangeburg.

Me- Oh no! Is he ok? (Cause cops always come to relatives doors when there are fender benders!)

Officer- No ma’am I’m afraid not.

Me- we’ll what’s wrong? Is he gonna be ok?

Officer- No ma’am I’m afraid he’s passed away.

Me- (silence) THOSE DAMN PILLS!

I then said thank you and began to close the door. He said wait I need someone to go be with your step mom. I said well I can’t! My children are sleeping! I then told him I would call my brother which I did. I also called my aunt who had me repeat what I was saying 3 times and then just basically screamed into the phone as if I could somehow change the outcome of the situation. My grand parents were out of town and we had to call them home early. The wait for them to get home was just horrific. People cried, plans were made, time just seemed to fly and stand still at the same time. When it was funeral time, I was completely unprepared for what I was going to do. I had minimal experience with funerals and dead bodies etc. (That was gonna change pretty quickly!) I remember seeing my grandmother touch a body in a casket and thinking it was absolutely disgusting! Well when I walked in that room and saw my father in that casket I wanted to crawl in it with him! I didn’t give a damn about what was gross or weird or inappropriate! I repeatedly told him I was so sorry for not talking to him and the crying was absolutely uncontrollable. I was shaking so bad I could barely stay standing but I refused to let go of his hand! Thankfully I had a couple friends who stood around me and supported me both physically and mentally. If nothing else I can honestly say I have been blessed with some of the best friends anyone could ask for. People were coming up to see him of course which I was fine with but I wasn’t going to let go of his hand! The only people I remember were the friends who stayed with me and at one point one of my cousins came up and for whatever reason I latched on to him. We weren’t even very close….hell if I know, it just happened! I feel like he actually halfway calmed me down SOME. (If you’re reading this, thank you so much! It did mean a lot!) of course I had to eventually let go for the funeral to proceed but I so didn’t want to. I remember if nothing else thinking that I had held his hand long enough that it didn’t feel cold anymore and I wanted to keep holding his warm hand and of course they would close the casket and that would be the end of ever seeing or touching him for the rest of my life! I just wasn’t ready for that. The funeral went on and I don’t have a clue what anyone said about anything. We moved on to the grave site and again…..not a clue what was said! What I do remember is them lowering that casket into the ground. Lord have mercy! That was so painful to watch! I feel like I should mention my current husband who, at the time, was just a boyfriend yet he came home immediately when I called in the middle of the night (which isn’t easy for a truck driver) and took care of my boys this whole time when I didn’t even know if I was still in this world let alone where they were. He’s a pretty awesome man. So once the funeral is over we’re back to the houses to stare at food and each other in hopes of the pain lessening. No such luck for quite a while. I remember sitting home and listening to those answering machine messages begging me to call him just so I could hear his voice and beat myself up for not calling him. I finally got to the point where I was pretty sure I was gonna end up in the loony bin! I drove to the dr’s office without an appointment and with my toddler. I was crying uncontrollably and had been for days. I couldn’t stop! I needed some kind of help! They put me on anti depressants and eventually some of it helped. Here’s the part where y’all are gonna think I’m crazy, if you haven’t come to that conclusion already. About 2-3 week’s after daddy died I had a dream. Like a crazy vivid dream. I dreamed that daddy was sitting in the barn behind my house and he was calling me out there to come talk to him. He was so young! I don’t know what age but I would guess in his 20s. In the dream I was a small child and he picked me up and sat me on his lap. I immediately started apologizing and explaining how sorry I was and how scared I had been of him when he was taking the pills. He hushed me and said it was ok, That he could now understand what was going on and that I had to do what I did. We hugged and that was the end of the dream. Now I don’t know if y’all wanna consider that an actual visit from him, a message from God, or simply my mind making up what I wanted to hear but it helped me significantly! I thought I could go on with life again. I still remember grabbing the phone to call him a few times before it sunk in good that he was gone but I wasn’t nearly the basket case that I had been. I thought for sure that I was completely cured of any sadness from that point on. I had family members building monuments, planting flowers, plastering pictures everywhere but I felt no desire to do any of that because, with the exception of the last two weeks, I spent as much time with him as I possibly could have and loved him as much as I could and I know he loved me. There was really no “unfinished emotional business” other than the two weeks that he just explained to me that he understood. So I picked up and moved on and all was well. At least I thought so but judging by the amount of tissues I’ve gone through while typing this and the number of times I’ve had to clean my glasses so I can still see……I’d say I was wrong!

Uncle Jack

Now this one was mentioned already in a previous blog because this is the one I know I’m not doing well with! So I guess I’ll be repeating some from my previous story but here we go. Now Uncle Jack wasn’t someone I saw every day. He lived in PA with my mother. I eventually learned that Uncle Jack grew up with a very abusive alcoholic dad. Here’s the best part of that…..:he worshiped my mother, it was just Uncle Jack that he beat on! I’m sure that sends your self esteem flying through the roof! His father died when he was a teenager, thank goodness, and then he had step fathers who probably weren’t great but comparatively couldn’t be much worse. (I sometimes daydream about digging up my good ole grandpa and just kicking him repeatedly…..:.I haven’t yet so don’t call the loony bin for me just yet!) OK so he made it past an abusive father and eventually to a point where he had a mother and sister dependent on him. Again, I didn’t know till I was older, but my grandmother wasn’t the easiest person to deal with. I’m not sure he ever even thought that about her though. Anyway, the man got himself through college and excelled academically and was awesome in the theater department. He finished school and got a job working with computers at a time when computers were still a mystery to most people. Let’s just say he picked a good field of study for his time! He did well enough to take care of them both and he did. They were always priority number one and then I came along and scooted them to priority two! Lol! I don’t know about all that but I do know that he was just as loving with me as he was with them and I could count on him for ANYTHING! His caring for my mother took quite a toll on his mental and physical health. It was really hard to watch but there was nothing I could do. Any way I knew to save him required him disclaiming her and he refused! So we eventually got to the point that it was necessary to move them both closer to me because I needed to help care for them. I started getting all excited thinking I would have Uncle Jack close by and due to my mom’s health, it would soon be just him and I could nurse him back to health and he could have a wonderful life watching my boys grow up! Well it quickly became apparent that after years of caring for her, he was the one in the worst shape! He lived a short 3 months after moving him here. Which I should have known he wouldn’t have agreed to burden me with it had he had any other option. OK so here we go reliving this again. I came into the house that morning ready to start my regular routine. I passed by his hospital bed and thought something looked strange but didn’t want to alarm my mother so I just kept going to the kitchen to put up groceries and was glancing back at him. He wore a Cpap machine which made it harder to decide if he was breathing or not. I got concerned enough that I walked over and tried to wake him up. I hollered his name and nothing. I shook his arm, which was ice cold, and nothing. I snatched the mask off of his face and nothing! His lips were blue, his fingers were blue. He was obviously gone. I called 911 and she asked if I wanted her to talk me through CPR. I initially say yes but then said it’s pointless because he’s already ice cold and also I remember that he has a DNR. The paramedics arrive and confirm that he’s gone. My mother, who is also unable to walk, wants to get to him. So I get her in a wheel chair and wheel her to the side of his bed. The other side of the bed is against the wall so if I want to get to him too I literally have to climb in the bed…..and I did want to so I did climb in the bed! (Same person freaked out about touching dead people has now refused to let go of a dead man’s hand and is presently crawling in the bed with a dead body!) We stayed there waiting for the coroner. We cried and hugged on him and held his hands. I’m sure the poor paramedics thought we were insane and I don’t give a damn because they don’t know! It’s just another dead body to them. But he wasn’t just another dead body! He was everything. He gave everything and then some to his mother, his sister, and me! He was the most wonderful and loving person I have ever known in my life! I don’t believe I will ever meet someone as selfless as him again and really I hope I don’t because that amount of selflessness is too much! That’s why he had a rough life, that’s why he was bed ridden at the end, and that’s why he was dead at a young age! Because everyone came before him to an extreme that it literally killed him! They came and took him to the funeral home. I remember them calling to tell me that the body was ready to be viewed. I had ZERO desire to do that! I had laid in bed and hugged him and told him bye and had no need to see him again. I wanted to remember him before, not in a casket. My wonderful husband agreed to go do the viewing so that I wouldn’t have to. Funeral time came and my mother decided that she didn’t want to go through riding an ambulance to be there so, as I said in a previous post, the funeral of the most wonderful man who ever lived was witnessed by me, my husband, one of my boys, and a preacher who had never met him. Unreal to me! Horrible, evil people have funerals with people lined down the road for a mile and this amazing man had nobody! If nothing else, it’s changed my thinking about funeral processions. I see a long line and I no longer think it was a person any more important than one with nothing but a family car. Because the attendance means nothing! Now I had to get back to taking care of my mom so I remember a little crying session where I hugged my mom and told her how sad it was to be at the funeral with nobody there but that was about it. I had to move on and take care of her and his estate and there wasn’t much time to sit around and cry.

Mommy

My oh my I’m getting tired and possibly dehydrated after all this crying! I’ve told my Mommy story before so I’m just gonna hit some highlights and let y’all go read an old post if you’re interested. My mom was basically a very fun,crazy woman to hang out with! I idolized her as a child but then either her true colors began to show or I just became more aware. She was nearly impossible to satisfy! I have no doubt that she loved me and my uncle for that matter but, in my opinion, she had already killed my uncle and I was next! She was so demanding and life was so difficult taking care of her. It didn’t take me long to lose sight of the fun things about her that I used to love. Towards the end she ended up in a nursing home where she was extremely demanding with them and her size made doing things for her a huge ordeal because it required multiple CNAs. So she basically checked herself out of the nursing home at which time I was a basket case! I had people who had been around to witness how she was and they told me to walk away. They said you’ve done all you can and she refuses to do what’s best. She’s going to kill you! (That is seriously paraphrased) So I did! I went in the ambulance and told her bye. It was an awful emotional moment and I didn’t know what to do next. The ambulance service called to tell me that she had made them leave her sitting on the side of the bed which isn’t something she is even capable of! I asked what I’m to do next and they said nothing! Well that makes no sense! I mean she literally can’t do anything without someone so do I just wait for her body to rot or what? The lady helping to care for her at the end wanted to go out and check so I told her to go and of course she had fallen on the floor and it was a horrible mess! I called 911 and headed out there. I tried to hold her up so she could breath until they got there which tore open a previous hernia surgery (another long story) and they got her to the hospital. I came in and the dr stopped me to ask what had happened. I explained my story and she then told me to leave!!! Again I hear, she is going to kill you! Just leave! I asked how they would get in touch with me if I did that and she said your number is in the chart just go home. So I did. Of course I was a basket case and two days later I get a call that she is in ICU! She has aspirated and is on a ventilator. I rush there and the dr tells me that he doesn’t expect her to recover but he is trying her on antibiotics. He wants to give it 3 days. So he makes plans to remove her from the ventilator and says not to expect her to live long so we gather the family and go to the hospital on the 9th. Did ya happen to notice that daddy and uncle jack died on the 12th? Well when we got to the hospital the dr said he didn’t think she would make it and he wanted to wait 3 more days with the antibiotics (which would be the 12th). I asked if he thought her chances would be greater then and he said No!! What the heck? Ok so we have gathered the family and mentally prepared that this is happening today and now you wanna wait 3 days with zero more hope? No thanks! Besides the 12th isn’t a good day for me! He says I made the right decision and to this day I’m trying to understand why there was even a decision to be made?? So my husband, the lady who had been caring for her, and myself were at her bedside. (Not a huge family gathering) They removed the vent and we basically watched her die as I held her hand. I’m not Catholic so it slipped my mind but AFTER they had removed the vent it occurred to me that they believe in the last rights so I ran out and had them call the Chaplin who made it in time thank goodness. It was like the second she finished my mom passed. It was crazy to see. So again we face funeral time. She had always said what she wanted to wear and be buried with etc so there was really no guessing on that. I gathered everything I had been told to use and took it to the funeral home. They called for us to view the body and I went this time because I felt responsible to be sure all the things she wanted were there. There was a stuffed animal and certain clothes and some jewelry that she wanted to be buried with. Well after the viewing the funeral home asked if I wanted to go ahead and take that stuff home. I said NO!! She’s supposed to be buried with it! That’s the whole point! I think they thought I was crazy but whatever….I’m doin what the woman told me to do! So come funeral time we had a decent crowd. Some people knew her from many years ago but mostly just family and friends there to support me which again goes to show that the amount of people at a funeral means absolutely nothing! So I cried and it was a rough time…..I basically jumped right into dealing with the estate and cleaning things out and I never turned back! Ain’t nobody got time for that! The longer it’s been the sadder it gets because I’m finally far enough removed from all the hell she put me through to start remembering some of the good times we had. Then of course there’s the guilt. Did I kill her? Is it my fault? I feel like the answer is at least kind of yes….I mean had I gone home with her and continued then she would probably be alive. I think there’s a decent chance that I wouldn’t be, but does that matter? I don’t know….:I struggle with that one!

Poppop

Poppop was my father’s father. I was raised by Nana and Poppop from the age of 3 till about 13. I don’t really have any crazy dramatic stories growing up. He was just more of a dad to me than a grandfather. About 10 years before Poppop passed away we noticed some issues with his memory etc. He was eventually diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. He did fairly well for a while. He had such a predictable schedule that he just kinda carried on with it. Physically he was more fit than most people half his age. He continued to run the tractor and do projects around the house. As the disease progressed he became more attached to Nana and did less out on his own. She did fairly well caring for him until 2013 when her daughter had a stroke and was left paralyzed on one side. Having caregivers in and out of the house was just too much for him in his confused state and he became angry and violent. I was concerned for both of them. I mentioned finding assisted living for him. I couldn’t find anywhere nearby with an opening but I got on the computer and found a place in Sumter (about an hour drive). I was so impressed with this place and still am! They were clean and caring and took good care of him. My Aunt ended up in a nursing home as well and it became a routine to go visit them on Wednesday’s. Visiting Poppop was so hard on me! Leaving him there to begin with was devastating! I felt as though I was abandoning a child! They sat him down and gave him the news paper to read and basically we left. Like when you get a baby sitter and don’t want the kid to cry so you occupy them and sneak out. He was so far gone at that point that he had no idea when we were and were not there. He didn’t know who I was. My grandmother was the only person he recognized. He was so sweet to everyone (which was not necessarily always his personality)! He was grateful to me for bringing his wife to see him and would thank me and hug me but he didn’t know I was his granddaughter. There were days that I would walk in and see him and just completely lose it and have to go out to the car. I would say that’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life! You want to go visit because you don’t want them to feel abandoned or unloved but when you know 5 min after you leave that they don’t know you were ever there, then it makes you wonder if it’s worth the emotional torture! So Poppop was at this facility for about 3 years. That’s 3 years of emotionally scaring Wednesday’s! There are multiple bridges on the way to Sumter…….why I never jumped is beyond me! So Poppop started having issues with getting weak and they would send him out to the hospital. At some point they decided there was some issue with emptying his bladder so they inserted a catheter. Well someone with Alzheimer’s doesn’t necessarily adjust well to that and you can’t exactly explain it. After multiple times of ripping it out, he had some pretty serious infection. He was admitted to the hospital and the dr came in and told me that these infections would continue and basically it was time to consider hospice. I LOST it! Now people joke about someone being in their 90’s and ya can’t be surprised or sad when they pass. Well that’s a load of hogwash right there! Yes you can try to say they had a good long life etc but it doesn’t hurt any less to lose them! So we called in hospice and we got everything set up at home so he could come home. That was bittersweet. It was so sad knowing we were about to lose him but so great to know that he got to come back home. We had a lady who had helped us before come so she could care for him at night and I would stay with him during the day. He was going down hill quick and my birthday was approaching. I seriously thought he was going to pass on my birthday and I would think of that every year for the rest of my life but he didn’t! So then we get to the 11th and he seems really bad. The lady comes to relieve me for the night and I say there is no way I’m leaving! As bad as he was and with the famous 12th date approaching, I was staying parked right by that bed! (He actually passed on the 11th so we dodged bday and the 12th) Well there were several times that I thought it was going to be his last breath. Nana walked away for a min and I whispered in his ear (this was advice from a friend of mine), you know I’m going to take care of Nana right? He started mumbling something. I couldn’t make it out but he was nodding his head yes as he mumbled. Nana came back to the room and in no time he was gone. Oh Lord the pain! And yet you’re glad he isn’t suffering etc but that moment was all sadness for me I believe. So here we are at funeral time again. The funeral home called and said they were ready for us to view the body. I went with Nana. (I really wish they wouldn’t do that!) Then was the funeral. It was a graveside service but included that 21 gun salute. Nana debated if she should do it or not and I thought of course you should!! He earned that honor! I was almost mad that she considered not doing it. Probably because I had never seen it done. As if we weren’t all bad enough, I look down at my boys and see the tears rolling and then that 21 gun salute starts and they’re done for and so am I! Good Lord what was I thinking?? So again I don’t believe I have any regrets or “unfinished business” but I sure do miss the old man! I know it’s still upsetting for my boys and I hate it but ya know…..94 ain’t a bad run! He was a month from his 95th birthday and he lived a good life and he loved and was loved by many! That isn’t making it any easier to see through my glasses right now but maybe some day it will!

So again……I don’t know which one of you booger heads has me crying over stupid stuff but if I could console friends without being a basket case and listen to country music then that would be greatly appreciated!!

OK so here’s the deal….I went to lunch with my grandmother the other day. There were two men in the booth behind us who I would throw in the motorcycle gang category if I was gonna try to judge them but ya know…..I don’t do stuff like that! They finish up their meal and head out not too long after we get there. The one man heads out without looking back but the other man stops at a table just across from us where a family is eating. It’s a man and his wife, probably close to my age (late 30’s), and their 3 teenage children. He says, “Oh is this your family?” And the man says yes. I assume they know each other and he’s about to introduce the family. Nope! Motorcycle guy hands him a card and says, “Beautiful family! I just wanted to speak to the man of the house and ask if you knew Him” (Him obviously being Jesus and the card handed to him was some type of religious subject).

We’re gonna do a little side note here. There are several issues I’ve had in my little process of trying to become a more dedicated and knowledgeable Christian…..”Man of the house” is one of them. Not the biggest one, but it annoys me a tad. I think there is some truth to the man kinda leading the family but ugh! I feel like either men have seriously dropped the ball on that one or maybe it was just supposed to be the other way to begin with….I don’t know. I’m trying though. My Big Fat Greek Wedding helped me a bit when the mother said, “Remember…..the man is the head of the house but the woman is the neck and she can turn the head any way she wants!” So true….but I guess we can let them have the head of the house thing for now. Anyway…..moving on….

So the man and wife say, “Yes we do know him well!” Alright….here’s at least part of the question……should the conversation have ended there? I could see the answer going either way! Cause maybe they really do know him well and they don’t need to hear from this man or maybe they just get dressed and head to church every Sunday without a clue OR maybe they just said yes in hopes that he would go away! I may have just answered my own question there. 🤔 Well anyway….The conversation most definitely did not end there!

The man then says, “But do you really know him? Do you have him right here?” (Pointing to his heart) and the mother and father say yes. OK now what? Should it have ended there? Cause either they really do know him or they really do want him to go away at this point. I don’t have an answer on that one. I really would love for y’all to give me some feed back on this blog!

Motorcycle dude is on a roll and does not stop there! He goes on to ask if he can please share a brief testimony and the family nods yes because what else can ya do really? Well I tried to listen to it all without being too noticeable but between the fact that he wasn’t actually talking to me and my grandmother rolling her eyes and saying, “Can you believe this guy?” I missed some of it. My grandmother’s reaction is kinda my point! I knew it was a rhetorical question (which I sometimes don’t catch on to so kudos to me on that one!) so I didn’t answer but I was thinking…..I don’t know if I can believe the guy or not! I’m somewhere between cheering for him while patting him on the back and screaming for him to shut up because he’s making Christians look like loony tunes!

The just of the story was that he was this REALLY bad dude (just so ya know….I’m picturing Hell’s Angels) that drank too much and lost everything in his life. The alcohol took a hold of him and wouldn’t let go till one night (I think he heard something on the radio from a Christian group….I’m not sure I missed part of that) he prayed and said “Lord if you will help me get away from this alcohol and this life then I promise to serve you for the rest of my life. And here I am, doing just that!” OK….here I ask again…..Should this have been the end of the conversation?? I think I’m going to vote yes at this point but I am genuinely curious what y’all think so please do leave feedback!

He went on to quote some scripture and tell a story about Paul that I don’t remember because I’m a terrible person. I think he said about 10 times, “OK just one more thing and I’m gonna leave for real!” He did finally leave after the story about Paul. This is probably the most amazing part about the story for me…..and it’s terrible that I think this way but I’m just keepin it real here…..First of all, all 3 of those teenagers sat through all of that with their eyes focused on him and a smile on their faces! Well….to be completely honest I could only see two of them so for all I know the third one could have been rolling her eyes and sticking her tongue out the whole time…..I’m just assuming she went along with the other two! Secondly, Not one of those people said anything bad about the man or how long he spoke or anything when he left! They didn’t even mention Hell’s Angels!! Now I don’t know what they may have said when they got to the car, but they didn’t say anything in the restaurant!

Soooo this whole interaction intrigues me! I really wanna know what y’all think of it! We go to church and hear how we should spread the word and discuss different ways to do that, but I don’t see it done very often and I STINK at doing it myself! But I’m not questioning IF it’s our responsibility to spread the word……I’m pretty clear on that! My question is at what point are we just annoying people and potentially even turning them against God by being annoying or overbearing? I think a LOT has been done on FB to keep non Christians just that…..NON Christians. It almost sounds to me like you have to hate everyone to be a Christian anymore according to FB and that simply isn’t the case, but looking on FB I feel sure that the LGBT community would feel that way along with anyone who loves and supports them. (This May also be one of my issues with Christianity…) I kinda threw that in there off subject but it does go with the main question. Are we bringing people to Jesus or scaring them away? What do y’all think? Where is the line? One thing we can’t deny is that this man’s story was heard! Not only by that family but also by me and anyone else in ear shot at the restaurant and now on a blog! So I’m gonna say kudos to him regardless of the feedback or my personal opinion of his approach!

Y’all have a magical day and please let me know what y’all think!

A Diary Of My Self Inflicted Torture!

I decided it would be a good idea to try to go a whole month without social media. (Blogs not included) I don’t know what I was smoking that day but I’m fairly certain it was laced with something BAD! Let’s see how it’s going…

Day 1

Well I’m up and ready! Nobody else is ready yet! So Imma sit here and stare at the wall till they are!

Bestie sends me a link to social media!! WTH?? People, who I already told not to use messenger to talk to me, decided to use messenger to talk to me! I know this only because that is the only app I forgot to delete! I think I should keep messenger since my son is trying to sell a boat…

I’m sitting in my chair doing ALL of my devotions (cause there is now unlimited time) and I notice a tag on the lamp beside me. It’s been there for YEARS! I’m not even the first owner of the lamp…..I am owner number 3! Yet nobody has ever cut the tag off this lamp! Well…..no social media has freed up just enough time for me to finally cut the tag off the lamp! I feel so accomplished!! Let’s see what else we can get done! I walk in my bedroom and notice the perfume I got for Christmas (like 8 perfumes) sitting in a box still! Well we can’t have that! Let’s find a home for these bad boys! Woohoo! More accomplishment! Now that I’m in the bathroom putting up my perfume, I notice the bathroom should be cleaned and I got plenty of time for that! Viola! Clean bathroom! Ya know…..I’ve been meaning to get my oil changed. I bet I could call Karen and we could drop off my truck and get some lunch! Make it so #1! Seriously….it’s like I’m walking around with a magic wand!

Hubby comes home and says “Well I see ya found Jesus!” Heck yeah! I found Jesus, perfume, tags, scrubbing bubbles, and some lunch!! Oh and tonight is workout night with KA! Woohoo!

25 times on steps

200 crunches

120 push ups

35 sec plank x2

40 sec plank

45 sec plank

For those of you who don’t know, I’m fat! So this ^^^^ deserves a standing ovation! Seriously! Put down whatever device you are using to read this and stand up and clap for me! Thank you!!

Day 2

Well….I did more yesterday then I usually do in 6 months so I think I can slow my roll a little. I think I’m more desperate to be around people. I went out to lunch again with some friends. This luncheon was so much more interesting than just meeting a few people for lunch but I’m not sure how to tell my story without offending anyone. Ummm maybe we’ll come back that that some day.

I read…..A LOT! Still plenty of time for devotions…..also plenty of time for Stephanie McAfee! (Diary of a Mad Fat Girl)

I did cook supper! See…..I’m still accomplishing things!

Tonight was a painting party with friends. I

was questioned repeatedly about my choice to stop social media. It’s like people are mad at me for not being on social media. That’s both flattering and aggravating. I mean I’m the one making the sacrifice y’all! Lol!

I was also asked repeatedly if I heard about the pedestrian bridge in Florida…..NOPE!! I know NOTHING! For two whole days I have been cut off from the world!! However…..I also don’t have to be sad about the bridge! Ohh…..did I just find an up side to no social media? Hmmmm…..

Day 3

I have a lot more time in the mornings! I’ve just been sitting and talking to my husband. I’m not sure yet if he’s enjoying it or just wishing I would leave him alone. Today he’s sleeping in so I’m just gonna read I guess.

I believe my eldest child is becoming a morning person which ya think would be a good thing cause he’s usually such a booger head in the mornings……but I’m not a morning person so I find myself wanting to chop him in the throat! Still got time for multiple devotions and breakfast every morning! Maybe that’s what’s keeping me from chopping people?

Tomorrow is Hippie Fest with Amy! I’m so excited! I have to try to TyeDye our shirts for tomorrow. I’m nervous cause Amy wants a peace sign which I have never done in my life!! I’ve only done Tye dye maybe twice ever! Anyway….I get to work and they turn out great!! Do you have any idea how hard it is to accomplish something like that and not post pics?? Good gravy! Jesus take the wheel….

Day 4

Hippie Fest!! So many pics…..so little posting! I can’t take it anymore!! I wanna show people all my pics! 😩 Seriously!! Who goes to something like Hippie Fest and doesn’t post pics? My life has no meaning! It’s kinda like….if a tree falls in the woods and there’s nobody around to hear it….does it make a sound? Well……if a person goes to Hippie Fest and there are zero pictures posted on FB……did the person really go to Hippie Fest?? Who knows!!??

Day 5

Well it’s Sunday and I didn’t go to church this morning. I mean…..not like I can post it on FB so who would know if I went anyway?? Just kiddin….kinda. I was just slack this morning! The Hippie Fest that I may or may not have gone to may or may not have worn me out. (I’m getting a little bitter!) Besides….I have to cook for church tonight and I haven’t even bought the groceries I need yet! Can’t remember what I was doing yesterday that prevented me from getting them! 🤔

I am noticing that I leave my phone a lot more. I would normally never leave my phone sitting in another room let alone repeatedly all day! Maybe I will get used to this eventually! Maybe….

Day 6

I was thinking it had been a whole week. Not really sure how I feel about this no social media thing. I do think I’ve been a little less stressed and a little less scatterbrained. I also feel like I am completely in the dark about everything and I’m constantly missing out on things! I miss posting every crazy random little thing that pops in my mind. Where will I be after a month? I mean…..I’m keeping this little journal so I can remember things I’d like to post and so I can document my experiences but I won’t remember all the little thoughts along the way! Y’all are missing so much! Lol!

Ya know, it’s amazing how long I can stare at a phone with nothing on it!! I also check my email more than ever!! Rest assured….if you are sending me emails they are getting my undivided attention! I just realized that next year I will have a whole month without memories on FB!!! Well I guess I’ll have them from previous years…

Day 7

I look at the weather now…..that’s what I do in the mornings instead of checking FB. I’m not sure how much time I’m really saving cause I’m still staring at the phone for no good reason!

I tried to send my bestie a video from the ballgame last night but she had already seen it cause she still has social media!! Ugh!! I volunteered to help Karen with a little project this morning that didn’t go so well. However….It may have contributed to the highlight of my day! After repeatedly trying to print something on her brand new printer with absolutely no luck she says, “Son of a mother…..less…..goat! Lol! Maybe I’m too easily amused right now! I mean I say stupid stuff all the time trying to avoid bad words but I don’t think I’ve ever brought a goat into it! Let alone an orphaned goat! Lol! I think I usually go with monkeys! 😂

I made plans to meet my bestie for lunch after the goat experience. Well I sent her a message saying to meet me at HOP. For those of you who are not from around here, HOP stands for House Of Pizza. There are 3 HOPs in the area. One in a different town so that one doesn’t get confused and then the one on Sims street which I’m pretty sure only one person on the planet likes and I’m not that one person and then one on 301 which is the only one anyone should think of when they’re told to meet you at HOP (unless you’re meeting that one Sims street lady). Anywho……I’m sitting at HOP waiting on the bestie and texting her niece to see what they want to drink. She comes back with some junk they don’t even have at HOP. Any of the HOPs!! I was like….hold up! Y’all are headed to HOP on 301 right?? Nope! For the second time my bestie thinks I left the “I” off of IHOP!! What?? Seriously?? I don’t know how ya make that mistake even once….let alone twice!! There may be decent IHOP’s in the world…I honestly don’t know, but there is not one in this town! No ma’am! Nobody is going to IHOP! Anyway….I tell ya all that just to tell ya that I have to sit by myself at HOP FOREVER waiting on them with ZERO social media!!! First of all…..people are weird!! Second of all….I can not be held responsible for how many crackers and dressing I eat!

Oh….one more little tid bit for today. I may or may not have gotten fairy hair at the hippie fest that I may or may not have gone to! Well today is the day that my new “happy to be up in the morning” child discovered said fairy hair! How many days is that?? He’s getting almost as bad as my husband about noticing stuff!

Day 8

It’s Wednesday! (I guess I need to explain Wednesday’s a bit. So every Wednesday for about 5 years now I’ve been driving my grandmother to the nursing home to see my aunt (her daughter) and it’s about an hour drive. Wednesdays tend to be a little emotionally demanding. My go to for getting through Wednesdays has had a lot to do with Social Media. As a matter of fact when I decided to start this whole “no social media” thing I was told I didn’t have to go that Wednesday. I kinda viewed that as a sign that I should give it a whirl. I didn’t think ahead to the remaining Wednesdays!) First Wednesday without social media! I don’t even wanna get out of bed! I guess I never do on Wednesday day but today is even scarier! Maybe I’ll take a pill before I leave today! OK I got this!

The lack of social media really wasn’t as bad as I expected BUT that didn’t save the day! I don’t know how much detail I can go into without saying too much but short version….my grandmother is completely loyal to this car place that is AWFUL!! It takes like 3 days for them to change the oil! I can’t even hear the name of the place without my blood pressure rising significantly!! Well we drop the car at hell shop before going on our Wednesday trip and of course they couldn’t get the oil changed in only 5 hours! That would be ludicrous! So we give them till 5 that night and sure enough….still not done AND she needs break pads! 😡😡😡 I guess I’ll take her to pick the car back up in 6 months!

On another note…..my fairy hair sux! Amy’s is all beautiful and flowing and everyone loves it! Mine doesn’t go with my curly hair so people either don’t see it at all or they just think I got something stuck in my hair! Ugh! Fairy hair is being evicted today!!

Day 9

My youngest child has detention this morning. Who does detentions in the morning? I mean does the word not come from detain? Wouldn’t that imply that they stay after school? (I’m actually kinda thankful they do mornings cause he has sports every afternoon and that would not work out!) Not to mention that most of his detentions are due to him being tardy so a morning detention is a bit difficult! Hubby was nice enough to take him but here I am still not sleeping in! My stomach hurts! Likely due to all the appts I have today! Actually the first two are fine….it’s the “Lady Dr” I don’t wanna go to! Literally spend all morning stomach aching over it! My first appointment is to get my nails done. Can’t exactly complain about that one. I get to discuss with my nail lady/therapist why my stupid self decided to stay off social media for a month! Second appointment was therapy where lack of social media didn’t even make the top 10! That stupid car place did though!! Anyway then I rush to appointment 3 where I am informed that my appointment had been rescheduled (I forgot to take the old date out of my phone) so I didn’t even have to go!! Y’all….I’m fairly certain I skipped out of that office and maybe did a little twirl as I hit the door! I have never been so happy to be wrong about an appointment! All that stomach aching for nothing!

I got adventurous today and decided to eat a banana…..not good but mostly edible. I got about halfway through it before I couldn’t take it anymore! And this is one of the fruits I can tolerate! This diet thing is not going well!

My grandmother invited the kids for supper but not Hubby and me (that also made top 10 at therapy) so we decided to treat ourselves to Captain’s Quarters which is one of our favorite places to go! Hubby holds the door open and we go in and enjoy or meal. Then on the way out hubby points to the “B” on the door!! I said did you see that on the way in???!!! He said yeah but I wasn’t showing you until after I got my steak! Ugh!!! So I guess I’ll just wait to see what horrible illness I’m going to die of!

Day 10

TGIF! What shall I get into today? Tomorrow is gonna be pretty darn interesting. Got a girls’ trip planned in Amy’s bus! Wonder if I should just sleep all day in preparation or maybe do stuff around the house?? It’ll be interesting to see what I choose! I guess for now it’s book reading time until my youngest is ready to go to school.

So I ended up spending the day collecting all the tax info that I have apparently been meticulously hiding all year! After a few hours of searching and a trip to town to deliver the documents, I decide to reward myself with a McDonalds meal, watching A Few Good Men, and a McFlurry! Woohoo! Thank goodness I ate that half a banana!

Day 11

Today is Karen’s Bday Trip! I really miss posting!! We had so much fun! I mean I guess most of y’all got to see all the pics that the rest of the girls posted, but you’re missing out on my witty comments! Just sayin…. 19 more days and boy oh boy….y’all’s FB is gonna be blowin up!! I realize some of my most eventful days have the least written about them but it’s like I need the pics to tell the stories! And of course I wasn’t sitting on my phone recording every thought on my busy days.

Day 12

Church day….quiet reading….:barney attempts fort night….God help us!

First time eating catfish stew

^^^^ I left that just as it was written so y’all could have some idea what kind of notes I’m working with here! I don’t exactly have the best memory and then I have stuff like this! OK let’s see what we can come up with…

Sunday Funday! Well I made it to Church this time! Woohoo! I had actually read the Sunday School lesson but I forgot my book so….whatever…coulda been worse! Y’all quit judging! Sundays are kinda busy anymore. Our regular routine now is church, lunch, scouts, workout,church. Laundry is done in between mostly by hubby. There was no workout this Sunday so I had a fairly quiet day reading between events. Stephanie McAfee and I should be friends I think…..I feel like we’ve bonded!

The Fort Night thing….I don’t even know if it’s supposed to be knight or night! All I know is that it is a video game that has cost me a kid! I hate it! So now I’m told that my hubby has scheduled a time to try it with the kids who are going back and forth trying to get out of teaching hubby how to use the remotes. I stomach ache over this a bit during the day but he walked in the room, I heard a few bad words, and then he was back out! Lol! That obviously didn’t take! Worried for nothing!

Then back to church. I love Sunday night church right now. We’re studying Revelation and it’s really interesting but there is also food involved and that can get tricky cause I’m so picky! Well tonight was catfish stew! I make my plan to skip straight to the cake and sweet tea but then I’m bullied into trying the stew by these so called Christians! 😂 I’m fairly certain I’ve never even seen catfish stew in real life and I can guarantee you I have never eaten it. It was really pretty good! I was very pleasantly surprised! However, I was warned that just because this one was good…..I shouldn’t just go waltzing up to any catfish stew all Willie Nillie expecting it to be edible! I take that warning very seriously and will probably never eat it again! 😂 Maybe if the same people from church cook it again I can have it!

Day 13

Still staring at my phone! At least I read my devotions and clear my email regularly but I’m tired of staring at the weather app!

I don’t even know what to do with the new “morning child”! I asked him to take the trash out this morning and he just did it! Didn’t even ask why his brother couldn’t or fuss about being in a hurry! I wasn’t even sure he heard me at first! It was crazy! He gets up on his own and comes home on time! It’s like the twilight zone! Maybe I shouldn’t talk too much about it…..I don’t wanna jinx it!

Goals for today….

Vacuum house and furniture

Fold and put up clothes

Do dishes

Read till time for the game

I made it through vacuuming and putting up clothes and then my grandmother calls…..problems take a full hour to solve! Then I empty the dishwasher and remember that I bought new Tupperware! I am completely unable to put up dishes without going through all the Tupperware! Then I get a call lasting another full hour! I’m starving and I’ve read nothing and done zero dishes!! I don’t know if this is gonna work out! Ugh!

OK….I allowed myself some lunch and calmed down a little and got the dishes done before rushing off to the game! Woohoo! I got this! Stephanie will just have to wait another day till I can get back to her!

Day 14

Halfway there! Woke up after a horrific nightmare! Hate it when I have those! Basically paralyzed with fear waiting for my hubby to get up so I’ll somehow be less scared to move. Then I switched all the lights on! I don’t know if y’all are aware but if ya run really fast from switch to switch, the boogie man can’t get ya! I couldn’t watch funny cat videos or read stories to get my mind off of this stupid nightmare! I thought about turning the tv on. How does my mind even create such horrific things? I feel nauseous even thinking about it! Ugh!

I accidentally volunteered to hang eggs from a tree and build a rabbit hutch! How does that happen?

I sent Karen a text saying I wanted to get into something today. In my mind that means…hey maybe we can go shopping and get some lunch. Dave and Buster’s would have been a good response. I coulda handled that but nooooo she’s gotta be all ambitious! Having egg hunts for kids etc! My youngest kid is 15…..egg hunt is no longer part of my vocabulary! At least it wasn’t until today. I mean…..how can you say you’re too busy to help a friend when you literally just asked them to do something with you because you have absolutely nothing to do???? Note to self…….find a way to do that!! Maybe find a more cautious way to invite people to hang out in case it doesn’t go well! Anyway…..I end up tying fishing line to plastic eggs and then hanging the eggs from a tree. Some of this required a ladder! I swear I didn’t used to be scared of ladders! I don’t know what happened but I was shaking like a leaf! Also stuffed Easter baskets and put together a rabbit hutch that the UPS guy was kind enough to deliver before I left! Thanks dude! I did get fed though! Ohhh and I went to buy flowers! I mean…..I didn’t intend to go buy flowers it just kinda happened. Again….I feel like it’s a story for another day but the short version is that I don’t know jack about flowers and never even had flowers till last year cause Karen is a bully! I’ve managed to avoid actually planting anything in the yard so far and I’ve been able to postpone a vegetable garden till the year 2021! We’ll see if I make it through another summer or not! 😳

Day 15

I feel as though this would be an excellent day to play hookie! I mean it’s Wednesday and I don’t wanna play! AT ALL!!

I believe Wednesday is a reasonable use of social media!

Of course my hookie plan didn’t pan out so I was sitting at the nursing home when a friend messaged me a pic from the news channel where there was a gunman that had the interstate that I was just on shut down! 😲 Holy Cow! This kinda stuff doesn’t happen around here! So I’m DYING to go on FB or anything and find out what is going on! Also I have to get back on this interstate soon so I kinda need to know what’s going on! I’m texting anyone that will listen to find out what I can but it is driving me CRAZY! If I had FB I could just go on there and know everything!! Prob watch the whole thing goin down! But nope! I’m in the dark about everything! This is the most upsetting the lack of social media has been so far! Luckily the direction we were headed wasn’t effected so we got home with no trouble. When I finally saw the news it was nothing like I pictured! I’m picturing a guy driving down the interstate and then just stopping his car and getting out and holding a gun pointed at other drivers. Therefore I’m wondering why he hasn’t been run over yet but whatever. What actually happened was a police chase that ended on the interstate with flat tires and a guy with a gun to his head. So now I’m wondering why this took so long to settle! I mean dude wanted to die and he has shut down an interstate! I feel like we all want the same thing here! Guess cops can’t shoot anybody for anything anymore. That’s what ended up happening but I guess we needed to give him a few hours to change his mind. Heck if I know!

I get back home and put out the flowers I was bullied into buying and then take off again to a ballgame. I love watching the boys play baseball. Guess FB will be getting a bunch of baseball pics in a couple weeks. My son wants to stay for the second game and I don’t so the hubby and I go have supper together and then come back for him. I notice myself staring at the hubby’s phone while he scrolls through FB. I think I’m finally starting to do ok not looking at the phone constantly but I still hate being in the dark about everything!

Day 16

WILSON!!! I know absolutely nothing! I haven’t felt this dumb in a good while! I wanna go back to the real world with knowledge and info! Idk how we lived like this!

I haven’t done any kind of workout in 2 weeks! Between baseball and laziness there is just no time! So I tried to do a Wednesday workout and replaced the steps with jumping jacks. I went down 10 push ups per set but the rest stayed the same albeit extremely painful! So I got:

160 jumping jacks (40 was enough to think I would prob die but just maybe I could live!)

80 pushups

200 crunches

4 planks 30s, 30s,40s,45s

(This is in 4 sets)

Overall I’m proud of me but I def lost a lot of strength etc in 2 weeks!

Now that I got that behind me……..I’m sitting here trying to decide if I would want Chip and Joanna to build my house when I win the lottery or if I would want the property brothers…..decisions decisions! Love me some Chip and Joanna but the property brothers are pretty hot! I guess I should start playing the lottery so we can find out!

Ok people I’m at the end of my rope….I mean the end of my diary so far. I am becoming more accustomed to not having social media but I hate not knowing what’s going on and not being in touch with the people I only talk to through social media. I gotta say though…..I do think it’s easier to focus without my phone constantly going off and I think I spend less time worrying when I don’t know every single bad thing that happens every day or know everybody who died and how they died even if I don’t even know them! I am really looking forward to having my social media back but maybe I can just limit it a little better?? I guess we’ll find out! I’ve got just under 2 weeks left! Wish me luck!

I just read the most heart worming little blog/post thingy. This sweet little lady is writing a letter to her future daughter in law. The problem is……she has no clue!! I always said I knew exactly how to raise kids until I had them! It’s all so much easier from the outside looking in. Well this lady’s son is a toddler! 🙄 I mean….I think it’s cute and all that she thinks that she is gonna love whoever loves her son but realistically……she’s an idiot! I never even thought about who my boys would end up with when they were toddlers! Never crossed my mind! In hindsight….maybe I shoulda started mentally preparing back then!

I have 2 boys. Night and day!! The only things these boys have in common are parents and height! Well……that and the fact that their mother may stab whoever they end up dating! Listen…..I think I’m allowed! I mean, I had em! I raised em! I taught them to hold the door open and be respectful and carry the bags when you’re shopping! Maybe I want them to carry my bags and not yours! 🤷‍♀️ Just maybe….don’t judge me!

Obviously one of them is older….so I get to go through this horrific “falling in love” thing at least twice in my life. It’s not gonna be pretty! They do the cute little girlfriend thing when they’re really young and it’s adorable and ya get to pick on them and take pictures etc. BUT then they get older and pick some chick out of the pool of options and you have NO say in it! As a matter of fact…..if you see one you like, you should probably start talking bad about her immediately! That’s the best chance you’re gonna have of him picking that girl! (Sounds ridiculous but I’m serious!)

I promise to try to be good but I’m afraid whoever dates my youngest son is gonna be in even more danger! I mean….it’s like I have PTSD from the oldest one! We were at a ball game not too long ago and we were walking opposite directions around the bleachers. Well he passed by me and then a little gaggle of girls passed by and just as they passed I heard one of them call his name. In that little….idk what to call it…like a squeaky whiny little voice! Ugh! I had this strong instinctual urge to bop her in the back of the head! Back off chickadee! I’m not ready to give this one up yet and I will cut you! I probably wouldn’t…..I guess there is a slight chance that I’ll love whoever he ends up with. Statistically though….I think it’s more likely that I’ll wanna stab her!

I just had this flash of thoughts…..I have two friends who have 3 boys!!! 😂😂 Oh my goodness….I can just imagine! All of theirs are still fairly young but I wonder what it’s like when ya get to number 3??? I’m already trying not to hit girls that I don’t even know! 😂 I imagine by the time I got to son number 3 I’d be sitting in the bleachers tripping up chicks before they have a chance to call his name!!! 😂 Oh my goodness…..that was a funny thought! Mine will be completely grown by then so I may just have to go spy on them and laugh! Maybe I can come help y’all trip some chicks! 😂

OK so let’s try a realistic letter:

Dear future daughter in law(s),

Hey! I don’t know who you think you are……but you’re not!! I’ll let ya come to dinner….but don’t think I’m doing it to be nice! I’m testing you! You’re probably gonna fail. There’s really no way to pass! If you don’t treat him right then I’m not going to like you. If you treat him too good then I’m gonna be jealous of you. The best you can probably do is sit by me and kiss up while completely ignoring him!

You think you’re gonna hug on him in front of me? What is wrong with you? Your parents didn’t teach you any better? He may be a huge teddy bear now but about two weeks ago I was carrying him in from the van and putting him to bed when he fell asleep! Now you want me to watch you snuggle up to him while I’m on the outside looking in? I will cut you!!! I mean….I respectfully request that you not do that in front of me!

Oh you think it’s sweet that he opens doors and carries bags for you?? Oh well I taught him that! I just lugged a weeks worth of groceries in the house by myself while he was out kissing up to you! I will cut you!!! I mean….If ya have a spare minute to come by the house once in a while so he can still help me out some, I would greatly appreciate it!

Oh you wanna marry him?? So what you’re saying is…..even though I gave birth to him and fed and clothed him for his entire life and I thought him every single thing that you love about him…..he’s going to spend the rest of his life with you?? I will cut you!!! I mean….hopefully there will be cute grand babies and my life wasn’t completely for nothing!

Did I mentioned that he weighed almost 9 lbs and I had no drugs during the delivery? (This basically applies to both) Did ya know that we’ve been there for one another for 18+ years? (they both better be at least 18 at this point!) it’s cool though…..y’all just ride off into the sunset and I guess I’ll sit here an learn how to crochet or something…..it’s all good!

Sincerely,

Your psychotic mother in law

Ya know…..everybody in this world is special. Some people are special because they actually have challenges to overcome in their everyday lives, some because they’re exceptionally caring, some exceptionally smart, some extremely beautiful, and some are just plain crazy!! I appreciate all of these people but my favorite are the ones who are a combination of them all!

Most of my life I have had ONE best friend at a time. Actually not really just one BEST friend but one friend at a time period! First of all, women tend to get on my nerves and second….I guess I felt I was being less loyal maybe?? I’m not exactly sure why it’s been that way but it has. I could (but I won’t) list who my best friend was at each phase of my life. I never intentionally moved from one friend to another…..life kinda did it for me.

At this point in my life, I have more friends than I ever have! I honestly don’t know what happened! Wait that’s a lie….I know exactly what happened…..at least initially. (We’ll get to that later) OK now I’m going to be listing a lot of people here and I only got permission to mention two because…..well you’ll see why because in a minute. For now, let’s concentrate on explaining how this happened and I just want to let ya know that all but two of these names are made up.

My current bestie (who I still consider my bestie) had to go back to work. That and geography put a dent in our time together. AN (I think I’m just gonna use initials instead of making up names) and I became best friends when our children met in kindergarten and became good friends. It was a little more complicated than that but we’ll save that story for another day. Those kindergarteners are now 15 so it’s been a minute! This whole multiple friends thing is still fairly new to me but I think we still need a bestie. I mean…..how many people do you meet in your life that will drop everything to come to your rescue at the drop of a hat? How many people do you bond with on a level that brings you closer than family? I think it’s pretty rare, but what do I know? I mean seriously though….how many people are going to know to tell my husband to buy me the exact same fryer for Christmas because I can’t handle change??? Ok y’all get the point…I’ll move on. It’s rare though! I’m tellin ya!

I think age has played a role in this whole multiple friend situation. I think with age I have come to appreciate differences between myself and others rather than distancing myself because they’re different. I mean what fun would it be if everyone thought exactly like I do? God forbid everyone dress like me!! Good gravy! That would be a disaster! Who would do my makeup for special occasions if everyone was as clueless as me?? I mean….I’ve had 2 weddings so far….who knows what’s to come?

I went to a small high school in a small town so our class was pretty close. I was actually one of the least close with everyone and still I consider these people my friends for life. I won’t go through them all but we’re talkin at least 3 besties from different times in my life, a woman who did my makeup for BOTH weddings, practically a professional chef, and just a lot of wonderful people. (I mean not a whole lot cause it was a small class!) OK now let me explain where the mass friend explosion happened…..

Karen!!! In a relatively short period of time Karen basically double my friends list in one way or another. First was church….that brought multiple new friendships and renewed some old friendships. I have never in my life heard of a healthier Sunday School class!! I’m not even talking spiritually! (Not that they are lacking spiritually.) These people are running 5ks and 10ks every other weekend! They do mud runs and spartan races and I don’t even know what else!! Then there’s me and my husband sitting in the room at 100 lbs over weight! Lol!! I can’t help but find it amusing….they love us though…I think! 🤔

I got AT having me do a Dragon Boat Race! Who’s ever heard of that?? NOBODY! That’s who! I got KA meeting me twice a week to work out! Poor woman….she didn’t have a clue what she was getting herself into! And I’m in the handbell choir! That literally makes me laugh out loud. I never in a million years would have guessed any of these things would happen but here I am….all because I have multiple friends with multiple personalities! (Some of them have multiple personalities each! It’s like getting 2 for 1! Or 4 for 1…..whatever)

KAREN!!! Round 2! So in addition to the church friendships she starts group texts! Do ya know who she put ya in the group with?? Nope! Probably not! She just decided you should be friends with this person!! So far I’ve been pleasantly surprised! First I got Amy. Until recently she was listed in my phone as “Amy Karen’s Friend”! I didn’t know her last name! I mean ya wait a little while and just correspond with someone who has a number without a name and if it continues then ya ask for the name to go with the number and then you’re friends. I don’t know….I don’t make the rules! Before I knew it we had HF, KH and TN added to the group text too! I’m still not sure everyone has a name to go with all the numbers! God help you if you get busy and don’t check your phone for 10 min!! You’ll have 276 missed messages!! Oh! And then you occasionally get thrown into HER Sunday school class group text! So in there we have a friend from when I was very little and a lady who I seem to occasionally have lunch with and several people I don’t know at all. Oh and one of them migrated from the Sunday school class group text to the multiple friend group text! Are y’all confused yet? Me too!

So just a quick run down (and these are just the people I speak to at least weekly)…..we’ve got the bestie, the high school girls, the Sunday school class, and the group texters! Great Day! My head hurts! Just so y’all know….that are a LOT of personalities!! OK now that you’ve been vaguely introduced to a bunch of people that ya don’t know jack about….let me explain to you why this is difficult for me. (Not that I don’t love and appreciate it!)

ANXIETY!! My anxiety is awful! So as much as I love all these personalities and ideas etc in my life…..when we take it all out in public…..I feel like…..I AM GOING TO LOSE MY MIND! First of all, most of these people are at least a couple years younger than me and even the ones who aren’t still have kids considerably younger than mine. I don’t know what happened between the time my kids were little and now but it’s a new world!! I mean….I don’t wanna step on toes here….I’m pretty sure at least Karen and AN know how I feel about kids in public but wow! I took my kids out all the time…no problemo! When we went out to eat and they sat in a high chair or in the booth/chair by me and that’s where they stayed! When we went to stores they either sat in the buggy IN THE FRONT PART or stayed by me while I shopped until they were old enough to just go walking around separately. That’s not how it works anymore! Kids go where they want and do what they want and get in the way of other shoppers/diners! Everybody is cool with this! Everybody but me! So I generally just completely avoid going out with the kids. Kids at my house…that’s fine but in public we are not gonna see eye to eye. I’m fairly certain that Karen finds this amusing! I think she’s trying to see exactly how many kids she can put me in public with before I punch one or just lay on the floor kicking and screaming till they take me to the loony bin. I don’t blame her….I mean, it’s probably entertaining from her perspective. Maybe it’s good for me! If not there’s always my “crazy pills”.

NOW…..let’s get to today! I mentioned that Karen and AN are aware of my kids in public issue…….Amy apparently is not aware. Amy has this cool bus that she’s been working hard to fix up basically for fun and adventure. The group text gals had an outing a while back in the bus and I missed it thanks to my anxiety etc. So today Amy invited me to go with her and Karen in the bus to have lunch and run a couple errands. I was all in! I’m not completely sure why they still invite me to do stuff…..maybe they get tired of my guilt tripping them when they go without me, or maybe it’s because their husbands think they’re less likely to get in trouble when I’m around (even though I have ZERO control), or maybe Karen did tell Amy about my kids in public issue and they’re both trying to see what it takes for me to lose my mind. I don’t know but first of all I ain’t too proud to take a pity invite and second and most importantly……Amy didn’t tell me they were bringing kids!!

This isn’t even a whole day….this is just a couple hours! I don’t think y’all could handle a whole day!! So here we go…

Here’s my ride!! Little did I know how much I was going to need to Trust and Let Go! Karen bought me this thing by the way…

OK so here you will see that Karen found a rug she liked. BUT she needed to see the whole thing rolled out before making the decision to purchase this rug! Amy will be needing a rug as well and I mean….I guess ya gotta do what ya gotta do!

Once the decision was made to purchase the 500lb rug, it had to be folded back which explains both this image and the child standing on the rug mountain in the previous picture! (Calgon…..take me away!)

This one is a bit blurry but I think you get the idea! I made the mistake of saying that I liked the colors in one of the rugs so now I needed to get a rug too! Oh and if any of y’all are concerned about whether or not Amy found a rug….she did! Just thought I should let y’all know her efforts were not for nothin! So now I apparently need and rug AND we need to see it on the floor to decide on what we want! This is not my first run in with these two and rugs! I knew what I was in for…..I did not know, however, that Ollie’s sold rugs!!! I am proud to say that I made it out of Ollie’s without a rug!

This kid has no idea how lucky she is!! I told her I was gonna crawl in the buggy with her and go to sleep/hide!

She objected to that idea…

Y’all meet Shon! (Or at least the back of Shon) Poor Shon walked by the rug isle at the wrong time!! I tried to save him but he apparently didn’t think I was serious! Shon’s punishment for walking by the isle at the wrong time was digging through extremely heavy rugs, trying to get a 10% discount on the rugs, and ultimately loading the rugs in the bus!

This chick gets off easy again!! BD just comes and rescues her!!! What the heck Bo??

Next stop was Lowe’s. Karen just needed to get some paint so Amy agreed to stay in the bus with the kids while we went in as long as Karen promised not to go looking at other stuff!

This is Karen NOT lookin at other stuff in Lowe’s! 😬🔫

So we’re headed back…..Safely home in the near future! Karen decided to offer to drive! I don’t know how many of y’all have ridden with Karen in a regular vehicle, but riding in a bus that she is driving was NOT on my to do list!!! Just sayin….

Seriously though…..these are some pretty special gals that know how to have a good time! Maybe some day I’ll learn too!! (Without kids!!!)

PS: This blog was posted and then deleted and now reposted. I second guessed the blog and more importantly I quickly thought of MANY friends who were not mentioned here. I hope all of y’all who were not mentioned realize that I love ya. It would have taken too long to mention every single friend so I just went with a couple groups. 😘

Y’all…..listen up girls….Divorce rates are really high these days! I realize that when you fall in love and decide to get married that divorce is the last thing on your mind, but maybe y’all should start thinking about it. I’m not exactly sure how much preparation is too much preparation…..I mean, ya don’t wanna jinx the marriage from the beginning! However, statistically speaking…..you’re gonna get divorced…..just sayin. There are things that prenups don’t necessarily cover and you should be made aware of them because they’re important!

For instance…..I am currently soaking in a tub that is the wrong size! When I picked out the tub, I had a very tall husband who I thought may want to soak in a tub. I was all in love and stuff so I got this crazy long tub! Now I’m sitting here praying that I can lean back without losing grip or else I’m going under! (Which probably wouldn’t be that big of a deal if I didn’t have a phone in my hand!) So lesson number 1…….get a tub to fit you! The heck with him….he prob isn’t gonna get in it anyway!

Children……I know, I know…..we WANT to keep them in the divorce! You’re right…..we love em and we would never give them up. Just know that after the divorce YOU are the old maid staying home with kids while he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with whomever he wants! But they are cute…..I mean I do suggest ya keep them. They’re gonna break your heart too but it’s still worth it. Maybe sign them off for a while during the teen years and then get them back? I just figured I’d throw that option in just in case it’s legal in some states or something.

PHONES!!!! Oh my goodness!! Y’all! I swear to you it is easier to get your ex off of your car, your house, your best friend, whatever you need him off of then it is to get him off your cell phone contract!! Do not get him a phone contract in your name!! Heavens to Betsy!! I can’t stress that one enough! Everyone repeat after me: I,___________, promise to never add any boyfriend, husband, significant other, or one night stand to my cell phone contract! I realize that if I do not keep this promise to myself that I will end up in the loony bin and financial ruin!! Amen! (I don’t think those things are supposed to end with Amen but I felt it needed an Amen!)

Don’t be nice! I may very well be the only person in the world that has this problem during a divorce but for goodness sake just use your brain! Don’t go feelin sorry for him cause the girl he cheated on ya with is treating him bad and he needs $10 for gas! You ain’t gettin your $10 back! He done made up with her and went and bought that chick a Cracker Jack box ring with your $10! Now you’re feeding the new chick and putting a ring on her finger! How does that make ya feel?? Duh!!

I’m sure there’s more but those are some pretty important ones! (I mean other than the money and property that prenups cover.) Now some of y’all may have already made the plunge and gotten hitched and you don’t know if you can stay with him any longer. Lemme tell ya what ya do! Go cut the grass! (This isn’t code for anything….literally get up and go cut the grass!) As you’re riding around on that lawn mower, think to yourself what your life is like with him and then what your life would be like without him. If the second option is more appealing then I pray you didn’t get him a stinkin phone in your name!!! Ugh!! Oh and I don’t know what city girls do to make this decision…..I’m sorry…..maybe go sweep the street or something? Sorry can’t help……for me it was grass cutting. Hey sometimes they plant trees in little squares in the cement in the city….maybe you could go shape up the tree or something? I don’t know…..that was just a shot in the dark! Y’all do what ya gotta do!

I personally chose not to divorce the ex’s family. I mean we had kids and the family didn’t do anything to me…..it’s still my kids’ family. If ya don’t have kids though….prolly just go ahead and divorce the family too cause it complicates things in the future.

Now I am on my second marriage…..I didn’t give up on love…..just cell phones! (Yes he is involved with the ex’s family……I don’t know how he does it….he’s a saint! I doubt y’all will find another one like him so eat your hearts out ladies! Lol) So far this one has lasted more than twice as long as the first one! (But just so ya know…..statistics are even more against ya on the second marriage! At least that’s what Dr Phil says!) Let me tell ya my secret……I want y’all to have long successful second marriages too!

1) I didn’t pick a $?&@?$!@ the second time! (Fill in the blank with the worst thing you can think of….:trying to make a mostly family friendly blog here.)

2) I got his name tattooed on me immediately!! That’s it! That’s what sealed the deal! Now every time he does get under my skin and I think….I’m gonna kill that so and so or leave his butt……I think about how painful it would be to have that tattoo removed and it just kinda puts things into perspective! Like yeah…..I’m mad….but am I tattoo removal mad?? Nah….probably not!

3) He’s awesome! I mean except for when he’s not and then the tattoo thing comes into play. Nobody’s perfect! Duh!

Ok peeps! Good luck out there! Have a magical day! DO NOT GET HIM A CELL PHONE!!

Sincerely,

Drowning in the wrong size tub

I have only one childhood memory of Toys R Us. (You have no idea how badly I want that “R” to turn backwards!!) My memory is the doll isle. If anyone gave me money when I was little, I would have Mommy or Uncle Jack take me to Toys R Us to pick out a new “baby”. I’m fairly certain that they flipped a coin and the loser had to take me. I don’t remember the details…..but they were kind enough to tell their horror story version of it when I got older! What I remember is staring at this HUGE isle of babies that desperately needed a loving mother and I only had enough money to rescue one!! Since I could only rescue one….I need to know every detail of every baby so I could make the right choice! And since I was only 2′ tall, (I’m just guessing based on the fact that I’m 5′ now!) I needed someone to hand me most of the babies so that I could check every detail and then put them back…..sometimes repeatedly! The way Uncle Jack told the story, it seemed as though we were at the store from open to close. I mean……It was an important decision that couldn’t be taken lightly….I don’t know what these people expected of me! Once the decision was made, I couldn’t wait to rescue that poor baby from the box and get him/her home to change and feed and dress!! Y’all…… my babies were REAL!! (At least until I had something to do that was made difficult by holding a baby!)

OK….my story has absolutely nothing to do with Toys R Us…..I just like that song and figured I’d share that little story…..

So how old are you? Not your actual, physical age…..but how old are you mentally? I’ve become rather obsessed with age lately. At the ripe old age of 38, I feel like I’m about at the jumping off point! I’m gonna blame this on Nana! (This is my father’s mother. The one who raised me.) Here’s why……Nana is 91….physically! Mentally…..I’m guessing she’s between 17 and 25. I think we all are. Recognizing this in her has brought it to my attention in myself and in other people in my life.

Nana will see someone 20 years younger than her walking twice as fast and say, “Awww bless her heart…she can barely get around!” I’m thinking….ya know she passed us 20 min ago right?? 🤔 We just don’t see ourselves as old. It just slips up on us. Am I the only one who tries to step back and see this?

I decided I’m old because I’m doing the things that old people used to do! It just happened over night! Yesterday I was riding around with my best friend and her mom fussing over the radio because her mom wanted to listen to 106.7 (old people music) and we wanted to listen to 104.7 (good music) and today I was riding around listening to all the good music on 106.7! When my kids listen to 104.7 I can’t understand half of they lyrics or I really just can’t stand to hear it! As a matter of fact…who even listens to FM radio anymore? There’s Sirius XM radio and Pandora or heck just look up a you tube video for whatever song you want to hear!

Two weeks ago, when I was in High school, people my age were ancient! A week ago, when my children were still little, people my age were pretty darn old too! Today, however, maybe 38 isn’t so old! I mean (assuming nothing tragic happens) I’m only about halfway done right? A lot happened in the first half. I’m trying to tell myself that there’s a lot to come in the second half!

A while back my husband and I were on the interstate and got stuck behind a REALLY slow car!! When we were able to pass, we saw 2 little old ladies in the car. My husband laughed and made some comment about the little old ladies. I wanna be able to do that! I want to be completely ignorant to how soon that will be me! Instead I see something like that and start counting…..trying to figure how long I have till I am the little old lady in the car!! Probably about 2 weeks! Oh and my husband is 9 years older than me….so I had him do the math! I think we decided he had 14 years till he was officially old which should mean that I have 23 years…..but I don’t! Cause really I’m his age! I mean we’re married so whatever he can and can’t do pretty much determines what I can and can’t do so technically I’m 9 years older than I am!

There’s also the fact that my children are starting to treat me like I treat my grandmother!! I have 2 good examples! First of all I don’t work well with my grandmother! We just can’t do projects together because I know ways to do things 100 times faster and easier and she wants to do it her way and she’s 91 so she wins! The only way is for me to do it while she isn’t paying attention and get it done without fussing! Well the other day we needed to load a dirt bike in the truck. I had this plan where we back up to a hill and use a board and roll it up the board into the truck. The boys are ready to get it done but I’m not ready! I’m telling them to just wait a min til I’m ready cause I don’t want anyone to get hurt! I come out of my room to go load the bike and they tell me it’s loaded! They just picked it up and put it in the truck like they wanted to! So now I’m the old lady making things complicated! Example 2…..I was walking home on the farm with my youngest son and one of his friends. It had been raining so it was muddy. I hit a muddy patch and my feet went straight up in the air and I landed on my behind….cartoon style! Two teenage boys witnessed this happen and neither of them cracked a smile!! They came running to make sure I was alright! (Don’t worry they made fun of me later!) Now if that happened to someone who wasn’t old, they would have laughed till they passed out! That didn’t happen with me!

Oh and I don’t know how to work things anymore! I have to ask my son to hook up printers and fix my phone and set up the TV etc etc etc! I also make everything harder! My son has a paper due and is typing it on his phone! I’m like….What are you doing?!?! You have to write it on paper. Do a rough draft, make your corrections, and then type the paper! He said why? Why would I write it and then type it?? Well….because it’s easier to correct in pencil before ya type it on the typewriter! But we aren’t using a typewriter are we?? Nope! We’re not even using a computer! We’re using a phone!!! To write a paper!! Why does this bother me?? I can’t decide if it’s because I was wrong or because I didn’t have it when I was a kid!

Everything is discontinued! Things that I use on a regular basis just don’t exist anymore! Back to Nana…..she has had me order several things for her that she uses regularly and she is paying antique prices for these simple items because they are almost extinct! I have had 2 perfumes so far that no longer exist. One of them (if you’re lucky enough to find it) now costs over $400 for one bottle!! Because it is almost extinct!! My husband just realized that he can no longer find the brand of soap he likes! (We may need to seek therapy for that one!) I don’t think he believed me when I told him it was getting hard to find! I think there should be a slow process for things like this! Let’s say I wanna use Ivory soap and it is the year 1999. Then in 2020 they decide they don’t want to make it anymore. I think they should be required to carry it until everyone who was alive in 1999 is dead!! They could put a warning on it for younger people to not use it because it will be discontinued after all us old people die! That would make my life easier since I am apparently shopping for 3 dinosaurs!!

Also I have a bed time! I even find myself struggling to make it to my bedtime on occasion! We went to a dirt bike race about an hour and a half away tonight and we were out past my bedtime! I am struggling! How sad is that?

Maybe I should just accept it! Maybe I should start picking out my walker and Hoveround and just get on with it! I’ve started looking into nursing homes! I don’t want my kids to throw me somewhere I don’t like or have the guilt of putting me there period so I think I’m just gonna pick one and put myself there while I still can! My husband is concerned if we’re moving in according to my age or his. I told him we could go with mine if it made him feel better! I mean as long as one of us is competent enough to pick one and sign us in then I guess we’re good!! I guess if anyone knows a good nursing home that should still be around in 14 years then please let me know. I need to do as much research as possible! They need to have good food for sure!!

WARNING!!!! If y’all see me out in my hoveround ya better watch out!! I’ve decided I’m getting meaner in my old age too and I don’t think I wanna fix that so watch out!! I will run you over!!

Y’all have a magical day!! (While ya still can!)

First of all, since I live in the southern world, I feel like I need to explain my half yankee heritage. I have no idea who made these rules or why it happens, but for some reason southerners use the terms Momma and Daddy. However, for some reason northerners tend to use the terms Mommy and Dad. Me, being a mixed breed…..I use the terms Mommy AND Daddy. Basically I sound like a 2 year old as a grown adult. Oh well….what ya gonna do?

I have noticed over the years that people love their parents no matter what……They can’t help it. It doesn’t matter if they are the best in the world or down right abusive…..we just accidentally love them. Sometimes it has been hard to watch…..or live. You want to say, “Wake up! Your Mom/Dad is so toxic in your life! Why do you put up with that?” Well…..we put up with it because we love them….

I got to see Mommy 3 times a year growing up…..Easter, Summer, and Christmas. She was the coolest!! I couldn’t wait to see her every time I had a chance! I’ll never forget how excited I was to run off of that plane and see Mommy! She listened to the coolest music (rock, heavy metal, etc), drove the coolest cars (old hoopties), and had the coolest friends! It was like hanging out with my best friend. She wore bandanas and sunglasses and flip flops. She hung out with her friends “Down The Lakes”. Everything about her was so exciting, fun, and kinda dangerous. I shared a room with her when I visited and I remember waking up to see her putting her hair up in hot curlers and spraying on perfume. To this day I am obsessed with perfume. I wanted to be just like her!

Mommy lived with her mother and brother (Uncle Jack) in South Philly. Her mother died when I was about 8 and I’m not sure if her or her brother ever recovered completely from that. I remember my grandmother only as fun and loving and I know she spoiled me every chance she got. Apparently that is not how she is remembered by everyone. Seems she could be very demanding but she died before I was old enough to see that side of her. Mommy was mostly dependent on Uncle Jack for everything. She worked full time when I was little. I even remember going to work with her at Tell Motors Inc when I was little. She was a bookkeeper and I wanted to be a bookkeeper too. Her boss was very nice and would have me add up columns of figures in his books and give me a paycheck. The front desk secretary made jewelry with me out of paper clips! It was awesome! I loved seeing Mommy so much that when it was time to go back home I didn’t want to leave. I remember screaming and crying….trying to hold on to her as Uncle Jack had to pull me away to go to the airport. I remember being so upset that I would throw up in the street on the way to the car. I never wanted to leave! It wasn’t fair…

Eventually the visits changed a bit. One of the first things I remember happening was having to call Uncle Jack at work because my mom needed one of her pills and she didn’t know where they were. He told me where to find them but I was not to let her know where I got them from. Later when he came home he explained that Mommy had tried to hurt herself and we had to hide all of her meds and all of the knives. I remember thinking it was crazy but I don’t think completely understood how serious it was. Gradually I noticed she had less and less friends and went out much less. She would still take me to do fun things but there wasn’t as much interaction with other people. I changed too…..as I got older, I wasn’t as excited to go visit anymore. I felt guilty for not wanting to go but all of my friends were at home and doing things together during school breaks and I had to leave to go to Philly.

When I was younger my mother would tell me that once I was old enough, I could go talk to the judge and tell him/her that I wanted to live with her and then I wouldn’t have to leave anymore. I was excited about that when I was little but once I was a teenager, I didn’t want to leave all the people and things that I knew. I believe I was about 14 and was visiting Mommy…..She brought out a box one evening and told me that it was the transcript from my parents’ divorce. She said she’d been waiting till I was old enough to understand before she gave it to me. I was very curious and couldn’t wait to read it. I stayed up that night after Mommy and Uncle Jack went to bed and read a good bit of the transcript…..there was no way I could read the whole thing in one sitting. When I came to bed Mommy asked me what I thought and I didn’t know what to say. I think I just kinda shrugged and said I don’t know and went to sleep. The next day I read some more and Mommy came over and explained that I was now old enough to go to the judge and say that I wanted to live with her. I’m sure I looked like a deer in headlights…..I didn’t know what to say! I knew she would be upset but I had absolutely no desire to live with her in Philly. My whole life was in SC. I tried to explain that as nicely as I could but of course it didn’t go over well. She started screaming and I just went up to the room and started crying. A while later she came up to bed (this part I remember as if it were yesterday!) and said, “What the fuck are you crying about?!?! You got what the fuck you wanted!!” At this point I was crying so hard I could barely breathe! Uncle Jack came in the door yelling at my mom…..he said “You leave her alone! This is not her fault!” Mommy said, ” Oh yeah? Well if you love her so much then you can fucking have her! I don’t fucking want her anymore!!”…..as she threw a glass ashtray across the room! I remember going downstairs and calling my grandmother and saying I needed to get home immediately! I was on a plane to SC the next morning. As an adult looking back I can’t even begin to imagine the panic I must have caused my grandmother! My mother eventually called and apologized and life went on as though it never happened. If ya can’t tell…..I NEVER forgot about it!

I think I need to back up a little here. I left out some pertinent information. I actually hoped to leave it out completely but I can already tell that it will be important in telling this story. Mommy and Uncle Jack we’re both “morbidly obese”. Now according to BMI charts I am morbidly obese too but I mean on another level….More like the TV shows you see such as My 600lb Life. They eventually got to the point of being immobile but for most of my life they were both able to walk and function normally for the most part. I really don’t want that to be the focus of this but unfortunately it does play a big role in the story. I remember going places and seeing people stop and stare and sometimes even hearing kids asking questions. I went back and forth between being mad, sad, or embarrassed. Sometimes Mommy would yell at the people for staring or not raising their kids better……that generally took me straight to embarrassed.

Between her weight and mental illness, Mommy ended up having to go on disability. Things just went downhill from there. There were multiple suicide attempts or threats. I know she was hospitalized several times but this was always when I was in SC. I still visited and when I graduated from High School Mommy and Uncle Jack were able to come down for the graduation. Not too long after I graduated, Mommy started calling me with emergencies and needed me to go to Philly immediately for one thing or another. At this point it wasn’t too terribly often but it eventually became very frequent. When I had my first son they came down and again when I got married the first time. (I realize those are out of order but at this point y’all should just be glad I’m not in a padded room blowing bubbles!) That was the last trip my mom made down…..well the last until the last….we’ll get to that later.

I was going to try not to focus on Uncle Jack in this story because, honestly, he deserves a whole book written about what a wonderful person he was and all the hell he endured! Nobody should have to go through the things he went through and a lot of it was to help me or protect me from my mother. I have to share this one happy little story though. When I had my second son, Mommy was already to the point of being unable to travel. She had a boyfriend she had met online (don’t even ask!) which made it possible for Uncle Jack to travel down to see the new baby. The boyfriend stayed with Mommy and we had Uncle Jack to ourselves for close to a week! My son was born close to Christmas so that meant that this visit included a Christmas together! I had never been able to be with Uncle Jack without my mother around demanding this and that and basically just putting a damper on everything. He had never gotten to spend Christmas with my oldest son and of course not with the baby. He had asked what time to be here on Christmas morning so he wouldn’t miss the boys waking up. (He was staying at a nearby hotel.) I told him he should probably be here at 5am just in case. I remember waking up early that morning (I had set an alarm so I didn’t miss the wake up either!) maybe 4:30 or so and realizing Uncle Jack was already in the driveway waiting for the lights to turn on! I would have to say that was probably the best Christmas ever! Spending Christmas with both of my boys and Uncle Jack was just more than I could ever hope for! I would give absolutely anything to have that again!

OK back to the other stuff…..years went by and my first marriage ended. Not long after that I started dating a wonderful man and 2 years later we were married. (That was a VERY condensed version!) This seems to be about the time that Mommy’s emergencies became very frequent. She always needed to go to the hospital for something or another and absolutely could not go without me. So basically….if I didn’t go then she would die! I had this amazing man who was willing to take care of my boys and do whatever needed to be done while I was gone so I guess it’s basically his fault for making it possible! Lol! Just kidding….I needed a little happy break there! Seriously though, the boys and I were very fortunate to have him. I, at this point, am becoming a bit resentful of my mother. I now have children of my own AND I have been through a divorce and I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that if my Ex had somehow gotten custody of my children (God forbid!) and he moved with them to Jabip……My behind would have relocated to Jabip faster than the blink of an eye! So here I have been feeling guilty for my decision to stay in SC and causing her issues to spiral out of control when really SHE had the power to fix it all along! Now ask me if I decided to quit leaving my children and husband at the drop of a hat and going to Philly to take care of her!!! NOPE! Never!

At one point Discovery Health had a show about morbidly obese people and it featured a hospital that catered strictly to this issue. I watched and wished that I could somehow get my mom there but figured it was impossible….I mean this is TV. One day I just said the heck with it and called the number on the TV. I was so pleasantly surprised! They were very friendly and sent me tons of information. Once I received the information and looked over it, I called back for more details. These people explained how they would travel to her, access her situation, make a game plan (basically), and had special transport to safely get her there! I was about in tears thinking that Mommy was finally going to get help and if she left Uncle Jack alone then maybe I could help him! I called Mommy with the good news and offered to travel to Philly when they came to see her. Can ya guess what she said?? Nope! Nah….she wasn’t really interested in doing that. The End! 😡 The next time I got a phone call from her urgently requesting my presence in Philly I was finally a little less willing to go! I didn’t answer her immediately…..I said I would call back. I discussed it with my husband and finally I got the nerve to say that I wasn’t going!! However, I knew the nerve would be short lived so I decided I had to call her back that night even though it was late. She answered the phone and I gave her the bad news. She, of course, was hysterical and put Uncle Jack on the phone. This was the one and only time that Uncle Jack broke my heart. He got on the phone and said, “Michelle I understand you saying no but couldn’t this have waited until tomorrow? You know I love you and I always will but I am very upset right now. I had JUST gotten her settled.” And then he hung up. THAT HURT! Just like every other time, Mommy eventually got over it and life went on.

I need to sidestep for a minute here. When I remarried, my husband had a home but he moved in with me and we were just paying on the other house…..basically for nothing. I knew Uncle Jack was going downhill and I was petrified of what would happen if either of them died and I was so far away. I thought it would be great if we remodeled my husband’s old house to suit them and they moved down here. (Basically because I’m an idiot!) I presented this plan to Uncle Jack thinking there is no way on God’s green Earth that either of them was going to move to the south! I didn’t get an immediate answer but soon after Uncle Jack decided it was a good idea. I was both happy and petrified! Mostly petrified because he would never have agreed to this if things were ok! I had this fantasy in my mind that I was going to get them moved down here, Mommy prob wouldn’t live long after that (she had been bed/chair ridden for years at this point) and I would nurse Uncle Jack back to health and he would be able to come to my boys’ baseball games and school plays and the remainder of his life would be better than he had ever lived!

Back to reality……it took almost a year to make all the arrangements. Uncle Jack had 2 houses to sell and I had to make all kinds of modifications to the house. We had doorways widened, showers reworked, toilets lifted, ramps put in…..it was a lot! Finally everything came together and it was time to get them moved down here! We were making the move on New Years Day! My husband and I flew to Philly. I had found a transport company that specialized in things like this. It was basically an RV turned into a mobile hospital. I was going to ride back in that with them and my husband was going to drive Uncle Jack’s car which was filled with the rest of their things.

The night before we left Uncle Jack was climbing the stairs to his room for the very last time and he fell! We had the fire department and ambulances and all kinds of chaos! Eventually they were able to get him back to his chair. He refused to go to the hospital and didn’t want to mess up the trip so he stayed there until we left the next morning. We barely got him out to the transport and he sat on the floor for 12+ hours till we got to the house! We couldn’t get him up once we arrived so we had to call 911 again. They were able to get him in the house and into his bed. He again refused to go to the hospital. The next morning he still couldn’t stand and once again I called 911. This time he went to the hospital where he was admitted and eventually went to a nursing home for rehab. He never walked again.

Now I have Mommy living “in the middle of nowhere” so she is scared to be alone and my uncle in a nursing home almost an hour away. I lived with my mother for a whole month while my husband took care of my boys! I traveled to the nursing home daily and went home as much as I could but it was very little. I had my hands full! Finally Uncle Jack was sent home so I at least had them both in the same place. At this point I am caring for 2 morbidly obese immobile people by myself. How often do ya think I saw my kids?? It was a nightmare!

I was caring for 2 completely different people. I could stand on my head and recite my ABC’s while training a duck to sing Mary Had A Little Lamb and it wouldn’t be good enough for Mommy. Uncle Jack, on the other hand, would go without something he genuinely needed because he didn’t want to trouble me. He helped me through caring for my mom even from his hospital bed by making funny faces or rolling his eyes at things she said. He said to me on more than one occasion, “If this gets to be too much for you to handle then just tell me!” I don’t know what the plan would have been if I had said it was too much. I probably don’t want to know. It was most definitely too much but I could never say that! I had home health nurses and therapists coming in and out but for the most part they were no help. I eventually got a routine going where I got to sleep at my own house and take the kids to school. I would come over while they were in school and do what needed to be done and then pick them up and take them home and cook supper at my house and then cook for Mommy and Uncle Jack. Honestly most of it is a blur!

April 12, 2010…….I had my routine going….dropped the kids off and went to the store to buy supper supplies for Mommy and Uncle Jack. I let myself in the house and headed past Uncle Jack’s bed to the kitchen. I thought something looked strange….I kinda did a double take but decided it was nothing. I put the meat up and went back to his bed and was fairly certain I didn’t see his chest moving. He slept with a CPap machine so I really wasn’t sure. I shook his arm and he didn’t wake up, I screamed his name and nothing, I snatched the mask off of his face and that’s when I knew for sure…..he was gone. I can not describe the pain I felt. At that second I wanted to go with him! I called 911 and they came and confirmed that he had passed in his sleep. I literally crawled in the bed with him until the coroner came to get his body. I lost him AND every dream I had of nursing him back to health and having him see my boys grow up. It was too much!

You wanna know what the funeral for the best man that ever lived looked like?? It was me, my husband, one of my boys, and the preacher standing in the graveyard singing Amazing Grace! That is how many people showed up to honor the greatest man I’ve ever known! Nobody knew…..We used to joke about how you had to be “born in” to get Uncle Jack’s love. You had to be family…..you couldn’t marry in or just be a friend. He would be nice to you regardless but to see that unbelievably selfless loving side of him you had to be born in. He loved his mother, my mother, me and my boys to death! Literally……I would say, it was his love for and dedication to my mother that killed him. There is only so much ANYONE can take.

NOW let’s talk resentment! Now I get to take care of a childhood ruining, best human to walk the earth murdering woman! Uncle Jack would want me to take good care of her though….I know that. I don’t want to do it, but I know and I will. Now all the cruelty, selfishness, and inappreciativeness that Uncle Jack had been saving me from was fully on me! I don’t know how he lived as long as he did! I tried….I worked myself sick….literally! I hired someone to help eventually and then I got to the point that I literally thought she was killing me. I mentioned the home health nurses not being much help in the past but we got one nurse that checked in with my mom who was amazing! I called her and told her I couldn’t do it anymore and didn’t know what to do. She offered to deliver a letter (from me to my mom) on a day that she wasn’t even supposed to be coming over! I knew I couldn’t tell her face to face or even over the phone so I opted for the letter. I can’t even imagine what it must have been like for that lady when she delivered the letter! (Or actually I can) My phone rang constantly and I refused to answer it. I had taken care of everything she needed and had someone going to take care of her. There was no reason that I had to answer the phone and let her talk me into coming back!

Did I mention that I love Mommy?? I do….I love her. I also hate her and resent her…..but it always comes back to the fact that I love her. Because children love their parents…..no matter what! So I eventually answered that call and ended up right back where I was!

About a year and a half after moving them both down here, Mommy had to go to the hospital. (I honestly don’t even remember why she went initially) She was kept at the hospital for a few days and eventually moved to a nursing facility. THANK GOD! I know everyone there hated her. Heck I hated her and she was my mom! I can’t imagine taking that much crap from someone you don’t even know! Well she got fed up and decided to go home. I didn’t know what to do. I had just had surgery myself and did not think I could go back to doing all that I had done. The transport team who came to pick her up had become like family to us. They always transported her to drs etc so we had gotten to know them and they had been around since day one. Well when they arrived to get her I was in the hall crying. One of the men asked what was wrong and I explained. (They knew the story.) He said tell her you aren’t going to do it! Go in there and tell her that if she goes home then she is on her own! I don’t know where I got the courage from but I did it! The nursing facility had papers for her to sign herself out. She agreed to stay when I told her I couldn’t take care of her but she had already signed the papers. I asked the people at the nursing facility if they would just tear up the papers so she could stay and since she had been so sweet to all of them, they refused! They couldn’t wait to get her out of there! I figured I was stuck again so I broke down. The man from the transport team said, “Go tell her goodbye. She made this decision. You tried to fix it but you couldn’t. Just go tell her goodbye.” I climbed into the ambulance and told my mother goodbye for what I thought would be the last time.

I was a nervous wreck! I didn’t know what I should do! The transport team called and told me that she had them leave her sitting up on the side of her bed, which I didn’t know she could physically do! He said she refused everything else they tried. I asked what to do next. Do I just leave her there to die? Do I call 911? What do I do now? He said to do nothing…. The lady who was helping care for her was also frantic at this point! She said she wanted to go out and check on her so I told her to go ahead. About 15 minutes later I got a call with her screaming…..”She fell! She’s on the floor! I need help!” I called 911 and headed out there. She couldn’t breathe very well because she was laying down. I helped lean her up and stood behind her trying to hold her up until the ambulance got there. (Remember how I said I had just had surgery? Well that caused the incision to open back up!) They transported her to the hospital and I went along with the other lady. When we got there the dr asked what was going on. I explained the events of the day and she said, “Leave!” I was in shock…..I asked how they would know who to contact and what would happen next. She said, “Your name and number are in her chart. They will call you if they need you. She is going to kill you!” I left and was just in a fog. The next day I got a call from the hospital and answered…..it was my mom. I expected her to be screaming at me but she just asked me to bring her a fan…..I was very confused after that! The next day I got a call from the hospital again. This time it was someone from ICU. They said she had aspirated and was on a ventilator. They didn’t expect her to make it! I took off to the hospital and the Dr’s told me that they had started some antibiotics but they didn’t really expect them to help. They asked if she had a DNR or any healthcare directive. I told them that she had always said she didn’t want to be on a ventilator but had always refused to sign a DNR out of fear that Drs wouldn’t try to save her at all if she did. The next day the Dr called me and said that they had tried to wake her up and she became so hostile towards them and trying to fight to get the tube out that he believed she didn’t want to be on the ventilator. He said that she would have gotten the full dose of antibiotics by the next day and they would take her off the ventilator but he didn’t believe she would live. I mentally prepared myself and my family. My husband took off work and we went to the hospital to say our goodbyes along with the lady who had been helping to care for her. They removed the tube and she died almost immediately. That was June 9, 2011.

I cried so hard when she died! I cried again at the funeral and after the funeral and while going through her things days later. Why?? This woman made my life hell! Why am I so sad that she is gone?? Again….because we love our parents! We have to! I don’t know why we have to and I sometimes wish I didn’t, but for whatever reason I do!

Not too long ago I found a letter that my mother had written to my grandmother. (She blamed her for basically everything that happened in her life) Her therapist had suggested doing it. I handed it to my husband to read and he handed it back quickly enough that I knew he couldn’t have read it. I said, “You don’t want to read it?” He said, “No…..I know she’s your mother and I know you love her, but after seeing everything she put you through I just really don’t care what she was upset about.” That kinda threw me off. I feel like he showed me, in a kinda strange way, how much he loves me and also made me feel like maybe it wasn’t just me. Maybe it really was too much to ask of someone and I wasn’t just weak.

I was recently told to write a letter to my mom telling her how I felt and all the things I didn’t have the nerve to tell her when she was alive. I decided to do this instead. I thought stating more fact and less feeling would make me feel a little less cruel. I tried to write the letter but every time I tried to explain all the terrible things she did, I would picture her at that mirror in the mornings doing her hair or riding in the car jammin out, or hanging out down the lakes with her friends…..

I really am mad at you Mommy. I know you were sick and didn’t have complete control over the way you behaved, but you hurt me in a lot of ways. I don’t think I can ever forgive you for what you put Uncle Jack through but I’m going to try…..God knows Uncle Jack has probably forgiven you! I am so mad and I have been so hurt by you, but more than anything…..

I love you Mommy

I’m gonna take a little break from complaining about the horrific things that have been going on in the process of repairing my house. I reserve the right to come back to it at any point in time though! Ugh! Let’s have a little Jesus time….cause life’s not fair but God is good!

Today is Sunday! That didn’t always mean a whole lot to me. Captain Hook (our interim preacher) mentioned today that we mature in faith. I think that’s very true and I think I have a long way to go…..I also think I’ve come a long way! I’ve decided to take today and blog that journey.

When I graduated high school we had to choose a life motto to put by our senior picture in the yearbook. I chose….Life’s not fair but God is good! I’m not exactly sure what possessed me to use that motto but I definitely stuck with it! Just ask my kids! 😂

I mentioned my small town origins before….Well I grew up in a town with almost as many churches as houses and way more churches than stores! My grand parents drug me to our Southern Baptist Church every Sunday! (Life’s not fair but God is good!) I think when I was real little I enjoyed it there. I had friends there and it was a fun time. I had absolutely no understanding of the purpose though. When I was a child you didn’t question it or even try to get out of going! At one point, when I believe I was around 8 years old, we had a revival at church. I do not remember the name of the man who was speaking during that revival and I have no memory of what he said but I do remember the irresistible urge to go in front of the church to ask to be Baptized. Our regular preacher at that time was Pastor Till….I do remember that. So I tried to tell myself I wasn’t going and I was a nervous wreck but something that man said really inspired me to be baptized and this urge (what I now believe to be the Holy Spirit) was not gonna let me off the hook. So I went in front of the church and was Baptized soon after. The things I remember about church at that time in my life were the Baptism of course (Daddy had the pianist play “Jesus Loves Me”), being an angel in every stinkin Christmas program (Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace, good will towards men) even though I really wanted to be Mary but I had blond hair and my friend had brow hair so I had to be an angel (Do we even have any proof that Mary had brown hair?), singing Away in a Manger in front of the church (SCARY), and a lot of songs from Bible School. That’s pretty much it. No scripture other than my line in the Christmas play and nothing about what being a Christian is all about.

I lived with my grand parents till I was about 13. Then my father remarried and I moved to a nearby small town with him and his wife. I was now given the choice to go to church or stay home. About 98% of the time I chose to stay home. As I got used to the area and people that I didn’t know yet, I became aware of a youth group that most of the kids were part of at a Baptist Church in this new town. I wanted to go hang out with them and so I attended this youth group fairly often. Unfortunately, all I really remember about that time in my life was hanging with friends. I know they discussed God and being a Christian but it was really just something to get through before hanging with friends. I don’t recall learning anything new from this group but I had a good time.

At the age of 17 I left for college for a very short time (explained in previous blog) and then at 18 moved in with my boyfriend and at 19 I had my first son. (This isn’t exactly the Christian order of doing things!) Life’s not fair but God is good! I was not attending church at all during this time in my life. I believed in God and I had my son dedicated at the church that my grandparents attended. I went only on special occasions but my grandparents took my son regularly. When my son made the decision to be Baptized I was very proud! At this point in my life I remember saying things like “You don’t have to go to church every Sunday to be a Christian”, “The Church is full of hypocrites!”, “I believe in God but I’ve never actually read the Bible so I can’t really debate any of it.”. I prayed during rough times in my life and I prayed with my son before bedtime when he was little. I just didn’t study the Bible and I didn’t attend church.

At one point when my son was a teenager, he had a friend who was questioning the existence of God. I’m not sure exactly where my son stood on it at that time but I think he was still believing in God and wanting me to speak to his friend. I spoke to the friend repeatedly over a fairly long period of time. This was a very intelligent young man and he made some really good points! Because I had never studied the Bible, I was very limited in the answers I could give. I kinda adopted this theory that either there was God or there was nothing. In that case I’d rather believe in God and find out he doesn’t exist than to live as though he doesn’t exist and find out differently! Well these conversations went on until I decided this kid was right! There was no God and all that I had been trying to explain was ridiculous! Unfortunately, I believe my son came to this conclusion even sooner than I did. Life’s not fair but God is good! Although I had decided there was no God, I still had enough belief (I guess you could call it) to never want it on my conscience that I had convinced someone else that there was no God. I was actually kind of embarrassed that I felt that way. My youngest son still believed in God and I honestly didn’t know where my husband stood on the subject. I didn’t want to discourage my son’s belief or anyone else’s because I believed that life was easier as a Christian. It’s so much easier if you can pray to God to keep your son safe when he is away from the house or to feel like you will see your relatives again some day when they pass away or even explaining death to a child…..it’s much better to say that their dead pet went to heaven than that it’s just going to rot in the ground! And if all else fails you can say, “Life’s not fair but God is good!” (I still believe that it’s easier in many ways!)

Because I never wanted to be responsible for guiding anyone away from Christianity, I would only voice my opinions or ask questions to people who I felt were secure enough in their faith that I wouldn’t sway them with my thoughts and questions! Unfortunately, there weren’t a lot of those people to choose from. I think a lot of people are still in that stage where I was….They believe in God but they can’t quote scripture or answer questions or have debates. Well I had a new friend come into my life (we’re at mid 30s now) and I was comfortable enough to tell her that I didn’t believe in God. We spent a lot of time together and I eventually felt that she was strong enough in her faith for me to ask some of my questions and express my concerns. This whole time that I didn’t believe in God, I desperately wanted to…..I just felt that it didn’t make sense. There was no way to believe in God and make any rational sense of the Bible etc.

OK now this is where I start to see more and more of God obviously working in my life and signs of the Holy Spirit. There were several things that happened around the same time and hopefully I can tell them in chronological order but overall I don’t think it makes a difference in the story or outcome.

This same friend, whom I had begun asking a few questions, had come up with just enough answers to get my hopes up…kinda peak my curiosity. Well she was learning about me just as I was learning about her and I think she realized that I wasn’t very good at saying no to people (also she isn’t good at accepting no for an answer so it was the perfect storm really) She had been attending a rather large Bible study and they had one day each year where they were to bring friends to check out the Bible Study and decide if they would like to join. Well she asked me to go and of course I said No! This continued for a while back and forth and a food bribe was added and eventually I agreed to go….:but I was NOT happy about it! (Life’s not fair but God is good!) The Bible study was broken into different parts. They studied in small groups and then all came together to hear a lecture on the verses they were studying that week. Well the separate group part was pretty boring for us visitors but when we came back together for the lecture (which I was not looking forward to) I was in absolute shock! The woman giving the lecture that day explained some of the most unbelievable things in the Bible and how they made perfect sense scientifically as well! I couldn’t believe it! So I’m at this Bible study against my will and I’m given a solution to 2 of the issues I’m having with Christianity. Number one….I have found a place to study and learn scripture…:verse by verse, chapter by chapter, book by book! Wow! Also I’ve heard some pretty unbelievable things made believable by this woman’s lecture! Sign me up!!! I wanna start Bible study TODAY!

Another big turning point is actually a horrific event. Sometimes that’s what it takes to make us see God and what he can do. A young boy (high school junior) who had played ball with my oldest son most of their lives was in a deadly car accident. I say deadly because I saw his truck the night of the accident and it never even occurred to me to prepare my son to visit him in a hospital or anything to that effect because there was absolutely no way anyone could survive that accident. I was convinced that IF he lived at all he would be paralyzed and/or have horrific brain injuries. This is one of those things where a whole community comes together and prays and waits to hear something…..anything!! My son never thought that it would be bad news…..I don’t know if it was a new found faith, denial, or maybe just a feeling but he told me he’d be back at school (probably not tomorrow he said) very soon. I was dreading having to tell him the bad news when I found out differently! When we finally heard what was going on there were many, many broken bones and multiple surgeries were required. Any parent would be devastated! Just broken! I don’t know what his parents felt that night and I pray I never have to! The feeling I had even from the distant friend perspective was sickening. I cried for them….I prayed for them…I felt helpless so I can only imagine how they felt! Notice I said I prayed for them. I honestly put my whole heart into it and prayed for that child multiple times a day! (I’m tearing up just thinking about it!) I don’t know what his parents said or thought between the two of them. I’m sure they broke down at points….I know they did actually. However, through this whole ordeal they had faith and they made it obvious. This child went through more than anyone should ever have to but in 6 weeks (I believe…sorry if I’m off) he went from being in the most horrific accident I’ve ever seen to going back to school!! I feel a little guilty when I say this but I feel like this was a wake up call for a lot of people. I think this was an opportunity for a Christian family to show their strength and for God to show what he can do! I know that the time I spent praying and the recovery that I saw happen had a profound effect on my faith. I also know that I’m not the only one who was effected in that way. I’m afraid if it were my child in the accident and someone said that…..I’d be upset wondering why it had to be my kid who suffered for others to wake up….which is why I feel guilty looking at it in that way but regardless of how you see it….a whole community witnessed a miracle! Life’s not fair but God is good!!

OK the next step is much less traumatic! My youngest son had been after me for a while to go to church….problem was finding a church! I felt terrible not taking a child to church that wanted to go. Well it turned out he had several friends going to a youth group at the same church where I went as a child. He asked me to take him and I agreed but ugh…..it was so annoying deciding if I was going to drive home for 30 min and drive all the way back or sit in the car forever! It was not fun! (Life’s not fair but God is good!) One night I dropped him off and decided to go to the dollar store to kill some time. While I was in there I saw an acquaintance who attended the church. She invited me to join her group who gets together at the church at the same time as the youth group. I said no of course cause umm that’s weird! Lol! I said I might go another time and sure enough that’s what I did! And going on Sunday nights lead to going on Wednesday nights which led to going on Sunday mornings and before I knew it we had joined the most awesome church I had ever attended!!

God was obviously present for all of these situations, but make no mistake…..the devil was too! I mentioned a couple of my hang ups with Christianity. Well what I think was my biggest hang up was homosexuality!! I know an love people who are gay and I will never believe that this is a choice…..not even now! So calling it a sin is very difficult for me! I decided I would just have to put that on the back burner for the time being and address it later if I was going to have any chance at being a church going Christian. EVERY time I stepped foot in a church or at a religious event homosexuality was brought up!! For a long time!! I hung in there though and eventually it stopped…..or at least slowed down. Also I could have viewed the event with the young boy as evidence that there is no God rather than a miracle and wake up call. The pastor of the wonderful church that I love just packed up one day and left his family and the church with no warning! I cried on that one! There also have been plenty of other trials etc and you really have to remind yourself to turn to God through it all! Life’s not fair but God is good!

I feel like most everyone I know accepted God at a much younger age and I think doing so at an older age has ups and downs. I don’t see the excitement in other people about learning the scripture etc. I assume because they have known it all for years. I like that I still find it exciting. A down side is that people assume that I know things that I don’t know! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard “you remember when we studied ___________” or “We all know the story of _____________” or “this is directly related to ____________that you’ve heard your whole life”. NOPE! I don’t know any of it! Can we just start over please??? The biggest down side to “waking up late” is that my children weren’t in church like they should have been. I’m doing what I can to make up for it but there’s only so much I can do. Life’s not fair but God is good!

So as I said….I’ve got a long way to go, but I’ve come a long way already! Hope y’all have all had a wonderful Sunday!!