First of all, since I live in the southern world, I feel like I need to explain my half yankee heritage. I have no idea who made these rules or why it happens, but for some reason southerners use the terms Momma and Daddy. However, for some reason northerners tend to use the terms Mommy and Dad. Me, being a mixed breed…..I use the terms Mommy AND Daddy. Basically I sound like a 2 year old as a grown adult. Oh well….what ya gonna do?

I have noticed over the years that people love their parents no matter what……They can’t help it. It doesn’t matter if they are the best in the world or down right abusive…..we just accidentally love them. Sometimes it has been hard to watch…..or live. You want to say, “Wake up! Your Mom/Dad is so toxic in your life! Why do you put up with that?” Well…..we put up with it because we love them….

I got to see Mommy 3 times a year growing up…..Easter, Summer, and Christmas. She was the coolest!! I couldn’t wait to see her every time I had a chance! I’ll never forget how excited I was to run off of that plane and see Mommy! She listened to the coolest music (rock, heavy metal, etc), drove the coolest cars (old hoopties), and had the coolest friends! It was like hanging out with my best friend. She wore bandanas and sunglasses and flip flops. She hung out with her friends “Down The Lakes”. Everything about her was so exciting, fun, and kinda dangerous. I shared a room with her when I visited and I remember waking up to see her putting her hair up in hot curlers and spraying on perfume. To this day I am obsessed with perfume. I wanted to be just like her!

Mommy lived with her mother and brother (Uncle Jack) in South Philly. Her mother died when I was about 8 and I’m not sure if her or her brother ever recovered completely from that. I remember my grandmother only as fun and loving and I know she spoiled me every chance she got. Apparently that is not how she is remembered by everyone. Seems she could be very demanding but she died before I was old enough to see that side of her. Mommy was mostly dependent on Uncle Jack for everything. She worked full time when I was little. I even remember going to work with her at Tell Motors Inc when I was little. She was a bookkeeper and I wanted to be a bookkeeper too. Her boss was very nice and would have me add up columns of figures in his books and give me a paycheck. The front desk secretary made jewelry with me out of paper clips! It was awesome! I loved seeing Mommy so much that when it was time to go back home I didn’t want to leave. I remember screaming and crying….trying to hold on to her as Uncle Jack had to pull me away to go to the airport. I remember being so upset that I would throw up in the street on the way to the car. I never wanted to leave! It wasn’t fair…

Eventually the visits changed a bit. One of the first things I remember happening was having to call Uncle Jack at work because my mom needed one of her pills and she didn’t know where they were. He told me where to find them but I was not to let her know where I got them from. Later when he came home he explained that Mommy had tried to hurt herself and we had to hide all of her meds and all of the knives. I remember thinking it was crazy but I don’t think completely understood how serious it was. Gradually I noticed she had less and less friends and went out much less. She would still take me to do fun things but there wasn’t as much interaction with other people. I changed too…..as I got older, I wasn’t as excited to go visit anymore. I felt guilty for not wanting to go but all of my friends were at home and doing things together during school breaks and I had to leave to go to Philly.

When I was younger my mother would tell me that once I was old enough, I could go talk to the judge and tell him/her that I wanted to live with her and then I wouldn’t have to leave anymore. I was excited about that when I was little but once I was a teenager, I didn’t want to leave all the people and things that I knew. I believe I was about 14 and was visiting Mommy…..She brought out a box one evening and told me that it was the transcript from my parents’ divorce. She said she’d been waiting till I was old enough to understand before she gave it to me. I was very curious and couldn’t wait to read it. I stayed up that night after Mommy and Uncle Jack went to bed and read a good bit of the transcript…..there was no way I could read the whole thing in one sitting. When I came to bed Mommy asked me what I thought and I didn’t know what to say. I think I just kinda shrugged and said I don’t know and went to sleep. The next day I read some more and Mommy came over and explained that I was now old enough to go to the judge and say that I wanted to live with her. I’m sure I looked like a deer in headlights…..I didn’t know what to say! I knew she would be upset but I had absolutely no desire to live with her in Philly. My whole life was in SC. I tried to explain that as nicely as I could but of course it didn’t go over well. She started screaming and I just went up to the room and started crying. A while later she came up to bed (this part I remember as if it were yesterday!) and said, “What the fuck are you crying about?!?! You got what the fuck you wanted!!” At this point I was crying so hard I could barely breathe! Uncle Jack came in the door yelling at my mom…..he said “You leave her alone! This is not her fault!” Mommy said, ” Oh yeah? Well if you love her so much then you can fucking have her! I don’t fucking want her anymore!!”…..as she threw a glass ashtray across the room! I remember going downstairs and calling my grandmother and saying I needed to get home immediately! I was on a plane to SC the next morning. As an adult looking back I can’t even begin to imagine the panic I must have caused my grandmother! My mother eventually called and apologized and life went on as though it never happened. If ya can’t tell…..I NEVER forgot about it!

I think I need to back up a little here. I left out some pertinent information. I actually hoped to leave it out completely but I can already tell that it will be important in telling this story. Mommy and Uncle Jack we’re both “morbidly obese”. Now according to BMI charts I am morbidly obese too but I mean on another level….More like the TV shows you see such as My 600lb Life. They eventually got to the point of being immobile but for most of my life they were both able to walk and function normally for the most part. I really don’t want that to be the focus of this but unfortunately it does play a big role in the story. I remember going places and seeing people stop and stare and sometimes even hearing kids asking questions. I went back and forth between being mad, sad, or embarrassed. Sometimes Mommy would yell at the people for staring or not raising their kids better……that generally took me straight to embarrassed.

Between her weight and mental illness, Mommy ended up having to go on disability. Things just went downhill from there. There were multiple suicide attempts or threats. I know she was hospitalized several times but this was always when I was in SC. I still visited and when I graduated from High School Mommy and Uncle Jack were able to come down for the graduation. Not too long after I graduated, Mommy started calling me with emergencies and needed me to go to Philly immediately for one thing or another. At this point it wasn’t too terribly often but it eventually became very frequent. When I had my first son they came down and again when I got married the first time. (I realize those are out of order but at this point y’all should just be glad I’m not in a padded room blowing bubbles!) That was the last trip my mom made down…..well the last until the last….we’ll get to that later.

I was going to try not to focus on Uncle Jack in this story because, honestly, he deserves a whole book written about what a wonderful person he was and all the hell he endured! Nobody should have to go through the things he went through and a lot of it was to help me or protect me from my mother. I have to share this one happy little story though. When I had my second son, Mommy was already to the point of being unable to travel. She had a boyfriend she had met online (don’t even ask!) which made it possible for Uncle Jack to travel down to see the new baby. The boyfriend stayed with Mommy and we had Uncle Jack to ourselves for close to a week! My son was born close to Christmas so that meant that this visit included a Christmas together! I had never been able to be with Uncle Jack without my mother around demanding this and that and basically just putting a damper on everything. He had never gotten to spend Christmas with my oldest son and of course not with the baby. He had asked what time to be here on Christmas morning so he wouldn’t miss the boys waking up. (He was staying at a nearby hotel.) I told him he should probably be here at 5am just in case. I remember waking up early that morning (I had set an alarm so I didn’t miss the wake up either!) maybe 4:30 or so and realizing Uncle Jack was already in the driveway waiting for the lights to turn on! I would have to say that was probably the best Christmas ever! Spending Christmas with both of my boys and Uncle Jack was just more than I could ever hope for! I would give absolutely anything to have that again!

OK back to the other stuff…..years went by and my first marriage ended. Not long after that I started dating a wonderful man and 2 years later we were married. (That was a VERY condensed version!) This seems to be about the time that Mommy’s emergencies became very frequent. She always needed to go to the hospital for something or another and absolutely could not go without me. So basically….if I didn’t go then she would die! I had this amazing man who was willing to take care of my boys and do whatever needed to be done while I was gone so I guess it’s basically his fault for making it possible! Lol! Just kidding….I needed a little happy break there! Seriously though, the boys and I were very fortunate to have him. I, at this point, am becoming a bit resentful of my mother. I now have children of my own AND I have been through a divorce and I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that if my Ex had somehow gotten custody of my children (God forbid!) and he moved with them to Jabip……My behind would have relocated to Jabip faster than the blink of an eye! So here I have been feeling guilty for my decision to stay in SC and causing her issues to spiral out of control when really SHE had the power to fix it all along! Now ask me if I decided to quit leaving my children and husband at the drop of a hat and going to Philly to take care of her!!! NOPE! Never!

At one point Discovery Health had a show about morbidly obese people and it featured a hospital that catered strictly to this issue. I watched and wished that I could somehow get my mom there but figured it was impossible….I mean this is TV. One day I just said the heck with it and called the number on the TV. I was so pleasantly surprised! They were very friendly and sent me tons of information. Once I received the information and looked over it, I called back for more details. These people explained how they would travel to her, access her situation, make a game plan (basically), and had special transport to safely get her there! I was about in tears thinking that Mommy was finally going to get help and if she left Uncle Jack alone then maybe I could help him! I called Mommy with the good news and offered to travel to Philly when they came to see her. Can ya guess what she said?? Nope! Nah….she wasn’t really interested in doing that. The End! 😡 The next time I got a phone call from her urgently requesting my presence in Philly I was finally a little less willing to go! I didn’t answer her immediately…..I said I would call back. I discussed it with my husband and finally I got the nerve to say that I wasn’t going!! However, I knew the nerve would be short lived so I decided I had to call her back that night even though it was late. She answered the phone and I gave her the bad news. She, of course, was hysterical and put Uncle Jack on the phone. This was the one and only time that Uncle Jack broke my heart. He got on the phone and said, “Michelle I understand you saying no but couldn’t this have waited until tomorrow? You know I love you and I always will but I am very upset right now. I had JUST gotten her settled.” And then he hung up. THAT HURT! Just like every other time, Mommy eventually got over it and life went on.

I need to sidestep for a minute here. When I remarried, my husband had a home but he moved in with me and we were just paying on the other house…..basically for nothing. I knew Uncle Jack was going downhill and I was petrified of what would happen if either of them died and I was so far away. I thought it would be great if we remodeled my husband’s old house to suit them and they moved down here. (Basically because I’m an idiot!) I presented this plan to Uncle Jack thinking there is no way on God’s green Earth that either of them was going to move to the south! I didn’t get an immediate answer but soon after Uncle Jack decided it was a good idea. I was both happy and petrified! Mostly petrified because he would never have agreed to this if things were ok! I had this fantasy in my mind that I was going to get them moved down here, Mommy prob wouldn’t live long after that (she had been bed/chair ridden for years at this point) and I would nurse Uncle Jack back to health and he would be able to come to my boys’ baseball games and school plays and the remainder of his life would be better than he had ever lived!

Back to reality……it took almost a year to make all the arrangements. Uncle Jack had 2 houses to sell and I had to make all kinds of modifications to the house. We had doorways widened, showers reworked, toilets lifted, ramps put in…..it was a lot! Finally everything came together and it was time to get them moved down here! We were making the move on New Years Day! My husband and I flew to Philly. I had found a transport company that specialized in things like this. It was basically an RV turned into a mobile hospital. I was going to ride back in that with them and my husband was going to drive Uncle Jack’s car which was filled with the rest of their things.

The night before we left Uncle Jack was climbing the stairs to his room for the very last time and he fell! We had the fire department and ambulances and all kinds of chaos! Eventually they were able to get him back to his chair. He refused to go to the hospital and didn’t want to mess up the trip so he stayed there until we left the next morning. We barely got him out to the transport and he sat on the floor for 12+ hours till we got to the house! We couldn’t get him up once we arrived so we had to call 911 again. They were able to get him in the house and into his bed. He again refused to go to the hospital. The next morning he still couldn’t stand and once again I called 911. This time he went to the hospital where he was admitted and eventually went to a nursing home for rehab. He never walked again.

Now I have Mommy living “in the middle of nowhere” so she is scared to be alone and my uncle in a nursing home almost an hour away. I lived with my mother for a whole month while my husband took care of my boys! I traveled to the nursing home daily and went home as much as I could but it was very little. I had my hands full! Finally Uncle Jack was sent home so I at least had them both in the same place. At this point I am caring for 2 morbidly obese immobile people by myself. How often do ya think I saw my kids?? It was a nightmare!

I was caring for 2 completely different people. I could stand on my head and recite my ABC’s while training a duck to sing Mary Had A Little Lamb and it wouldn’t be good enough for Mommy. Uncle Jack, on the other hand, would go without something he genuinely needed because he didn’t want to trouble me. He helped me through caring for my mom even from his hospital bed by making funny faces or rolling his eyes at things she said. He said to me on more than one occasion, “If this gets to be too much for you to handle then just tell me!” I don’t know what the plan would have been if I had said it was too much. I probably don’t want to know. It was most definitely too much but I could never say that! I had home health nurses and therapists coming in and out but for the most part they were no help. I eventually got a routine going where I got to sleep at my own house and take the kids to school. I would come over while they were in school and do what needed to be done and then pick them up and take them home and cook supper at my house and then cook for Mommy and Uncle Jack. Honestly most of it is a blur!

April 12, 2010…….I had my routine going….dropped the kids off and went to the store to buy supper supplies for Mommy and Uncle Jack. I let myself in the house and headed past Uncle Jack’s bed to the kitchen. I thought something looked strange….I kinda did a double take but decided it was nothing. I put the meat up and went back to his bed and was fairly certain I didn’t see his chest moving. He slept with a CPap machine so I really wasn’t sure. I shook his arm and he didn’t wake up, I screamed his name and nothing, I snatched the mask off of his face and that’s when I knew for sure…..he was gone. I can not describe the pain I felt. At that second I wanted to go with him! I called 911 and they came and confirmed that he had passed in his sleep. I literally crawled in the bed with him until the coroner came to get his body. I lost him AND every dream I had of nursing him back to health and having him see my boys grow up. It was too much!

You wanna know what the funeral for the best man that ever lived looked like?? It was me, my husband, one of my boys, and the preacher standing in the graveyard singing Amazing Grace! That is how many people showed up to honor the greatest man I’ve ever known! Nobody knew…..We used to joke about how you had to be “born in” to get Uncle Jack’s love. You had to be family…..you couldn’t marry in or just be a friend. He would be nice to you regardless but to see that unbelievably selfless loving side of him you had to be born in. He loved his mother, my mother, me and my boys to death! Literally……I would say, it was his love for and dedication to my mother that killed him. There is only so much ANYONE can take.

NOW let’s talk resentment! Now I get to take care of a childhood ruining, best human to walk the earth murdering woman! Uncle Jack would want me to take good care of her though….I know that. I don’t want to do it, but I know and I will. Now all the cruelty, selfishness, and inappreciativeness that Uncle Jack had been saving me from was fully on me! I don’t know how he lived as long as he did! I tried….I worked myself sick….literally! I hired someone to help eventually and then I got to the point that I literally thought she was killing me. I mentioned the home health nurses not being much help in the past but we got one nurse that checked in with my mom who was amazing! I called her and told her I couldn’t do it anymore and didn’t know what to do. She offered to deliver a letter (from me to my mom) on a day that she wasn’t even supposed to be coming over! I knew I couldn’t tell her face to face or even over the phone so I opted for the letter. I can’t even imagine what it must have been like for that lady when she delivered the letter! (Or actually I can) My phone rang constantly and I refused to answer it. I had taken care of everything she needed and had someone going to take care of her. There was no reason that I had to answer the phone and let her talk me into coming back!

Did I mention that I love Mommy?? I do….I love her. I also hate her and resent her…..but it always comes back to the fact that I love her. Because children love their parents…..no matter what! So I eventually answered that call and ended up right back where I was!

About a year and a half after moving them both down here, Mommy had to go to the hospital. (I honestly don’t even remember why she went initially) She was kept at the hospital for a few days and eventually moved to a nursing facility. THANK GOD! I know everyone there hated her. Heck I hated her and she was my mom! I can’t imagine taking that much crap from someone you don’t even know! Well she got fed up and decided to go home. I didn’t know what to do. I had just had surgery myself and did not think I could go back to doing all that I had done. The transport team who came to pick her up had become like family to us. They always transported her to drs etc so we had gotten to know them and they had been around since day one. Well when they arrived to get her I was in the hall crying. One of the men asked what was wrong and I explained. (They knew the story.) He said tell her you aren’t going to do it! Go in there and tell her that if she goes home then she is on her own! I don’t know where I got the courage from but I did it! The nursing facility had papers for her to sign herself out. She agreed to stay when I told her I couldn’t take care of her but she had already signed the papers. I asked the people at the nursing facility if they would just tear up the papers so she could stay and since she had been so sweet to all of them, they refused! They couldn’t wait to get her out of there! I figured I was stuck again so I broke down. The man from the transport team said, “Go tell her goodbye. She made this decision. You tried to fix it but you couldn’t. Just go tell her goodbye.” I climbed into the ambulance and told my mother goodbye for what I thought would be the last time.

I was a nervous wreck! I didn’t know what I should do! The transport team called and told me that she had them leave her sitting up on the side of her bed, which I didn’t know she could physically do! He said she refused everything else they tried. I asked what to do next. Do I just leave her there to die? Do I call 911? What do I do now? He said to do nothing…. The lady who was helping care for her was also frantic at this point! She said she wanted to go out and check on her so I told her to go ahead. About 15 minutes later I got a call with her screaming…..”She fell! She’s on the floor! I need help!” I called 911 and headed out there. She couldn’t breathe very well because she was laying down. I helped lean her up and stood behind her trying to hold her up until the ambulance got there. (Remember how I said I had just had surgery? Well that caused the incision to open back up!) They transported her to the hospital and I went along with the other lady. When we got there the dr asked what was going on. I explained the events of the day and she said, “Leave!” I was in shock…..I asked how they would know who to contact and what would happen next. She said, “Your name and number are in her chart. They will call you if they need you. She is going to kill you!” I left and was just in a fog. The next day I got a call from the hospital and answered…..it was my mom. I expected her to be screaming at me but she just asked me to bring her a fan…..I was very confused after that! The next day I got a call from the hospital again. This time it was someone from ICU. They said she had aspirated and was on a ventilator. They didn’t expect her to make it! I took off to the hospital and the Dr’s told me that they had started some antibiotics but they didn’t really expect them to help. They asked if she had a DNR or any healthcare directive. I told them that she had always said she didn’t want to be on a ventilator but had always refused to sign a DNR out of fear that Drs wouldn’t try to save her at all if she did. The next day the Dr called me and said that they had tried to wake her up and she became so hostile towards them and trying to fight to get the tube out that he believed she didn’t want to be on the ventilator. He said that she would have gotten the full dose of antibiotics by the next day and they would take her off the ventilator but he didn’t believe she would live. I mentally prepared myself and my family. My husband took off work and we went to the hospital to say our goodbyes along with the lady who had been helping to care for her. They removed the tube and she died almost immediately. That was June 9, 2011.

I cried so hard when she died! I cried again at the funeral and after the funeral and while going through her things days later. Why?? This woman made my life hell! Why am I so sad that she is gone?? Again….because we love our parents! We have to! I don’t know why we have to and I sometimes wish I didn’t, but for whatever reason I do!

Not too long ago I found a letter that my mother had written to my grandmother. (She blamed her for basically everything that happened in her life) Her therapist had suggested doing it. I handed it to my husband to read and he handed it back quickly enough that I knew he couldn’t have read it. I said, “You don’t want to read it?” He said, “No…..I know she’s your mother and I know you love her, but after seeing everything she put you through I just really don’t care what she was upset about.” That kinda threw me off. I feel like he showed me, in a kinda strange way, how much he loves me and also made me feel like maybe it wasn’t just me. Maybe it really was too much to ask of someone and I wasn’t just weak.

I was recently told to write a letter to my mom telling her how I felt and all the things I didn’t have the nerve to tell her when she was alive. I decided to do this instead. I thought stating more fact and less feeling would make me feel a little less cruel. I tried to write the letter but every time I tried to explain all the terrible things she did, I would picture her at that mirror in the mornings doing her hair or riding in the car jammin out, or hanging out down the lakes with her friends…..

I really am mad at you Mommy. I know you were sick and didn’t have complete control over the way you behaved, but you hurt me in a lot of ways. I don’t think I can ever forgive you for what you put Uncle Jack through but I’m going to try…..God knows Uncle Jack has probably forgiven you! I am so mad and I have been so hurt by you, but more than anything…..

I love you Mommy