Y’all…..listen up girls….Divorce rates are really high these days! I realize that when you fall in love and decide to get married that divorce is the last thing on your mind, but maybe y’all should start thinking about it. I’m not exactly sure how much preparation is too much preparation…..I mean, ya don’t wanna jinx the marriage from the beginning! However, statistically speaking…..you’re gonna get divorced…..just sayin. There are things that prenups don’t necessarily cover and you should be made aware of them because they’re important!

For instance…..I am currently soaking in a tub that is the wrong size! When I picked out the tub, I had a very tall husband who I thought may want to soak in a tub. I was all in love and stuff so I got this crazy long tub! Now I’m sitting here praying that I can lean back without losing grip or else I’m going under! (Which probably wouldn’t be that big of a deal if I didn’t have a phone in my hand!) So lesson number 1…….get a tub to fit you! The heck with him….he prob isn’t gonna get in it anyway!

Children……I know, I know…..we WANT to keep them in the divorce! You’re right…..we love em and we would never give them up. Just know that after the divorce YOU are the old maid staying home with kids while he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with whomever he wants! But they are cute…..I mean I do suggest ya keep them. They’re gonna break your heart too but it’s still worth it. Maybe sign them off for a while during the teen years and then get them back? I just figured I’d throw that option in just in case it’s legal in some states or something.

PHONES!!!! Oh my goodness!! Y’all! I swear to you it is easier to get your ex off of your car, your house, your best friend, whatever you need him off of then it is to get him off your cell phone contract!! Do not get him a phone contract in your name!! Heavens to Betsy!! I can’t stress that one enough! Everyone repeat after me: I,___________, promise to never add any boyfriend, husband, significant other, or one night stand to my cell phone contract! I realize that if I do not keep this promise to myself that I will end up in the loony bin and financial ruin!! Amen! (I don’t think those things are supposed to end with Amen but I felt it needed an Amen!)

Don’t be nice! I may very well be the only person in the world that has this problem during a divorce but for goodness sake just use your brain! Don’t go feelin sorry for him cause the girl he cheated on ya with is treating him bad and he needs $10 for gas! You ain’t gettin your $10 back! He done made up with her and went and bought that chick a Cracker Jack box ring with your $10! Now you’re feeding the new chick and putting a ring on her finger! How does that make ya feel?? Duh!!

I’m sure there’s more but those are some pretty important ones! (I mean other than the money and property that prenups cover.) Now some of y’all may have already made the plunge and gotten hitched and you don’t know if you can stay with him any longer. Lemme tell ya what ya do! Go cut the grass! (This isn’t code for anything….literally get up and go cut the grass!) As you’re riding around on that lawn mower, think to yourself what your life is like with him and then what your life would be like without him. If the second option is more appealing then I pray you didn’t get him a stinkin phone in your name!!! Ugh!! Oh and I don’t know what city girls do to make this decision…..I’m sorry…..maybe go sweep the street or something? Sorry can’t help……for me it was grass cutting. Hey sometimes they plant trees in little squares in the cement in the city….maybe you could go shape up the tree or something? I don’t know…..that was just a shot in the dark! Y’all do what ya gotta do!

I personally chose not to divorce the ex’s family. I mean we had kids and the family didn’t do anything to me…..it’s still my kids’ family. If ya don’t have kids though….prolly just go ahead and divorce the family too cause it complicates things in the future.

Now I am on my second marriage…..I didn’t give up on love…..just cell phones! (Yes he is involved with the ex’s family……I don’t know how he does it….he’s a saint! I doubt y’all will find another one like him so eat your hearts out ladies! Lol) So far this one has lasted more than twice as long as the first one! (But just so ya know…..statistics are even more against ya on the second marriage! At least that’s what Dr Phil says!) Let me tell ya my secret……I want y’all to have long successful second marriages too!

1) I didn’t pick a $?&@?$!@ the second time! (Fill in the blank with the worst thing you can think of….:trying to make a mostly family friendly blog here.)

2) I got his name tattooed on me immediately!! That’s it! That’s what sealed the deal! Now every time he does get under my skin and I think….I’m gonna kill that so and so or leave his butt……I think about how painful it would be to have that tattoo removed and it just kinda puts things into perspective! Like yeah…..I’m mad….but am I tattoo removal mad?? Nah….probably not!

3) He’s awesome! I mean except for when he’s not and then the tattoo thing comes into play. Nobody’s perfect! Duh!

Ok peeps! Good luck out there! Have a magical day! DO NOT GET HIM A CELL PHONE!!

Sincerely,

Drowning in the wrong size tub