I just read the most heart worming little blog/post thingy. This sweet little lady is writing a letter to her future daughter in law. The problem is……she has no clue!! I always said I knew exactly how to raise kids until I had them! It’s all so much easier from the outside looking in. Well this lady’s son is a toddler! 🙄 I mean….I think it’s cute and all that she thinks that she is gonna love whoever loves her son but realistically……she’s an idiot! I never even thought about who my boys would end up with when they were toddlers! Never crossed my mind! In hindsight….maybe I shoulda started mentally preparing back then!

I have 2 boys. Night and day!! The only things these boys have in common are parents and height! Well……that and the fact that their mother may stab whoever they end up dating! Listen…..I think I’m allowed! I mean, I had em! I raised em! I taught them to hold the door open and be respectful and carry the bags when you’re shopping! Maybe I want them to carry my bags and not yours! 🤷‍♀️ Just maybe….don’t judge me!

Obviously one of them is older….so I get to go through this horrific “falling in love” thing at least twice in my life. It’s not gonna be pretty! They do the cute little girlfriend thing when they’re really young and it’s adorable and ya get to pick on them and take pictures etc. BUT then they get older and pick some chick out of the pool of options and you have NO say in it! As a matter of fact…..if you see one you like, you should probably start talking bad about her immediately! That’s the best chance you’re gonna have of him picking that girl! (Sounds ridiculous but I’m serious!)

I promise to try to be good but I’m afraid whoever dates my youngest son is gonna be in even more danger! I mean….it’s like I have PTSD from the oldest one! We were at a ball game not too long ago and we were walking opposite directions around the bleachers. Well he passed by me and then a little gaggle of girls passed by and just as they passed I heard one of them call his name. In that little….idk what to call it…like a squeaky whiny little voice! Ugh! I had this strong instinctual urge to bop her in the back of the head! Back off chickadee! I’m not ready to give this one up yet and I will cut you! I probably wouldn’t…..I guess there is a slight chance that I’ll love whoever he ends up with. Statistically though….I think it’s more likely that I’ll wanna stab her!

I just had this flash of thoughts…..I have two friends who have 3 boys!!! 😂😂 Oh my goodness….I can just imagine! All of theirs are still fairly young but I wonder what it’s like when ya get to number 3??? I’m already trying not to hit girls that I don’t even know! 😂 I imagine by the time I got to son number 3 I’d be sitting in the bleachers tripping up chicks before they have a chance to call his name!!! 😂 Oh my goodness…..that was a funny thought! Mine will be completely grown by then so I may just have to go spy on them and laugh! Maybe I can come help y’all trip some chicks! 😂

OK so let’s try a realistic letter:

Dear future daughter in law(s),

Hey! I don’t know who you think you are……but you’re not!! I’ll let ya come to dinner….but don’t think I’m doing it to be nice! I’m testing you! You’re probably gonna fail. There’s really no way to pass! If you don’t treat him right then I’m not going to like you. If you treat him too good then I’m gonna be jealous of you. The best you can probably do is sit by me and kiss up while completely ignoring him!

You think you’re gonna hug on him in front of me? What is wrong with you? Your parents didn’t teach you any better? He may be a huge teddy bear now but about two weeks ago I was carrying him in from the van and putting him to bed when he fell asleep! Now you want me to watch you snuggle up to him while I’m on the outside looking in? I will cut you!!! I mean….I respectfully request that you not do that in front of me!

Oh you think it’s sweet that he opens doors and carries bags for you?? Oh well I taught him that! I just lugged a weeks worth of groceries in the house by myself while he was out kissing up to you! I will cut you!!! I mean….If ya have a spare minute to come by the house once in a while so he can still help me out some, I would greatly appreciate it!

Oh you wanna marry him?? So what you’re saying is…..even though I gave birth to him and fed and clothed him for his entire life and I thought him every single thing that you love about him…..he’s going to spend the rest of his life with you?? I will cut you!!! I mean….hopefully there will be cute grand babies and my life wasn’t completely for nothing!

Did I mentioned that he weighed almost 9 lbs and I had no drugs during the delivery? (This basically applies to both) Did ya know that we’ve been there for one another for 18+ years? (they both better be at least 18 at this point!) it’s cool though…..y’all just ride off into the sunset and I guess I’ll sit here an learn how to crochet or something…..it’s all good!

Sincerely,

Your psychotic mother in law