I’m gonna take a little break from complaining about the horrific things that have been going on in the process of repairing my house. I reserve the right to come back to it at any point in time though! Ugh! Let’s have a little Jesus time….cause life’s not fair but God is good!

Today is Sunday! That didn’t always mean a whole lot to me. Captain Hook (our interim preacher) mentioned today that we mature in faith. I think that’s very true and I think I have a long way to go…..I also think I’ve come a long way! I’ve decided to take today and blog that journey.

When I graduated high school we had to choose a life motto to put by our senior picture in the yearbook. I chose….Life’s not fair but God is good! I’m not exactly sure what possessed me to use that motto but I definitely stuck with it! Just ask my kids! 😂

I mentioned my small town origins before….Well I grew up in a town with almost as many churches as houses and way more churches than stores! My grand parents drug me to our Southern Baptist Church every Sunday! (Life’s not fair but God is good!) I think when I was real little I enjoyed it there. I had friends there and it was a fun time. I had absolutely no understanding of the purpose though. When I was a child you didn’t question it or even try to get out of going! At one point, when I believe I was around 8 years old, we had a revival at church. I do not remember the name of the man who was speaking during that revival and I have no memory of what he said but I do remember the irresistible urge to go in front of the church to ask to be Baptized. Our regular preacher at that time was Pastor Till….I do remember that. So I tried to tell myself I wasn’t going and I was a nervous wreck but something that man said really inspired me to be baptized and this urge (what I now believe to be the Holy Spirit) was not gonna let me off the hook. So I went in front of the church and was Baptized soon after. The things I remember about church at that time in my life were the Baptism of course (Daddy had the pianist play “Jesus Loves Me”), being an angel in every stinkin Christmas program (Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace, good will towards men) even though I really wanted to be Mary but I had blond hair and my friend had brow hair so I had to be an angel (Do we even have any proof that Mary had brown hair?), singing Away in a Manger in front of the church (SCARY), and a lot of songs from Bible School. That’s pretty much it. No scripture other than my line in the Christmas play and nothing about what being a Christian is all about.

I lived with my grand parents till I was about 13. Then my father remarried and I moved to a nearby small town with him and his wife. I was now given the choice to go to church or stay home. About 98% of the time I chose to stay home. As I got used to the area and people that I didn’t know yet, I became aware of a youth group that most of the kids were part of at a Baptist Church in this new town. I wanted to go hang out with them and so I attended this youth group fairly often. Unfortunately, all I really remember about that time in my life was hanging with friends. I know they discussed God and being a Christian but it was really just something to get through before hanging with friends. I don’t recall learning anything new from this group but I had a good time.

At the age of 17 I left for college for a very short time (explained in previous blog) and then at 18 moved in with my boyfriend and at 19 I had my first son. (This isn’t exactly the Christian order of doing things!) Life’s not fair but God is good! I was not attending church at all during this time in my life. I believed in God and I had my son dedicated at the church that my grandparents attended. I went only on special occasions but my grandparents took my son regularly. When my son made the decision to be Baptized I was very proud! At this point in my life I remember saying things like “You don’t have to go to church every Sunday to be a Christian”, “The Church is full of hypocrites!”, “I believe in God but I’ve never actually read the Bible so I can’t really debate any of it.”. I prayed during rough times in my life and I prayed with my son before bedtime when he was little. I just didn’t study the Bible and I didn’t attend church.

At one point when my son was a teenager, he had a friend who was questioning the existence of God. I’m not sure exactly where my son stood on it at that time but I think he was still believing in God and wanting me to speak to his friend. I spoke to the friend repeatedly over a fairly long period of time. This was a very intelligent young man and he made some really good points! Because I had never studied the Bible, I was very limited in the answers I could give. I kinda adopted this theory that either there was God or there was nothing. In that case I’d rather believe in God and find out he doesn’t exist than to live as though he doesn’t exist and find out differently! Well these conversations went on until I decided this kid was right! There was no God and all that I had been trying to explain was ridiculous! Unfortunately, I believe my son came to this conclusion even sooner than I did. Life’s not fair but God is good! Although I had decided there was no God, I still had enough belief (I guess you could call it) to never want it on my conscience that I had convinced someone else that there was no God. I was actually kind of embarrassed that I felt that way. My youngest son still believed in God and I honestly didn’t know where my husband stood on the subject. I didn’t want to discourage my son’s belief or anyone else’s because I believed that life was easier as a Christian. It’s so much easier if you can pray to God to keep your son safe when he is away from the house or to feel like you will see your relatives again some day when they pass away or even explaining death to a child…..it’s much better to say that their dead pet went to heaven than that it’s just going to rot in the ground! And if all else fails you can say, “Life’s not fair but God is good!” (I still believe that it’s easier in many ways!)

Because I never wanted to be responsible for guiding anyone away from Christianity, I would only voice my opinions or ask questions to people who I felt were secure enough in their faith that I wouldn’t sway them with my thoughts and questions! Unfortunately, there weren’t a lot of those people to choose from. I think a lot of people are still in that stage where I was….They believe in God but they can’t quote scripture or answer questions or have debates. Well I had a new friend come into my life (we’re at mid 30s now) and I was comfortable enough to tell her that I didn’t believe in God. We spent a lot of time together and I eventually felt that she was strong enough in her faith for me to ask some of my questions and express my concerns. This whole time that I didn’t believe in God, I desperately wanted to…..I just felt that it didn’t make sense. There was no way to believe in God and make any rational sense of the Bible etc.

OK now this is where I start to see more and more of God obviously working in my life and signs of the Holy Spirit. There were several things that happened around the same time and hopefully I can tell them in chronological order but overall I don’t think it makes a difference in the story or outcome.

This same friend, whom I had begun asking a few questions, had come up with just enough answers to get my hopes up…kinda peak my curiosity. Well she was learning about me just as I was learning about her and I think she realized that I wasn’t very good at saying no to people (also she isn’t good at accepting no for an answer so it was the perfect storm really) She had been attending a rather large Bible study and they had one day each year where they were to bring friends to check out the Bible Study and decide if they would like to join. Well she asked me to go and of course I said No! This continued for a while back and forth and a food bribe was added and eventually I agreed to go….:but I was NOT happy about it! (Life’s not fair but God is good!) The Bible study was broken into different parts. They studied in small groups and then all came together to hear a lecture on the verses they were studying that week. Well the separate group part was pretty boring for us visitors but when we came back together for the lecture (which I was not looking forward to) I was in absolute shock! The woman giving the lecture that day explained some of the most unbelievable things in the Bible and how they made perfect sense scientifically as well! I couldn’t believe it! So I’m at this Bible study against my will and I’m given a solution to 2 of the issues I’m having with Christianity. Number one….I have found a place to study and learn scripture…:verse by verse, chapter by chapter, book by book! Wow! Also I’ve heard some pretty unbelievable things made believable by this woman’s lecture! Sign me up!!! I wanna start Bible study TODAY!

Another big turning point is actually a horrific event. Sometimes that’s what it takes to make us see God and what he can do. A young boy (high school junior) who had played ball with my oldest son most of their lives was in a deadly car accident. I say deadly because I saw his truck the night of the accident and it never even occurred to me to prepare my son to visit him in a hospital or anything to that effect because there was absolutely no way anyone could survive that accident. I was convinced that IF he lived at all he would be paralyzed and/or have horrific brain injuries. This is one of those things where a whole community comes together and prays and waits to hear something…..anything!! My son never thought that it would be bad news…..I don’t know if it was a new found faith, denial, or maybe just a feeling but he told me he’d be back at school (probably not tomorrow he said) very soon. I was dreading having to tell him the bad news when I found out differently! When we finally heard what was going on there were many, many broken bones and multiple surgeries were required. Any parent would be devastated! Just broken! I don’t know what his parents felt that night and I pray I never have to! The feeling I had even from the distant friend perspective was sickening. I cried for them….I prayed for them…I felt helpless so I can only imagine how they felt! Notice I said I prayed for them. I honestly put my whole heart into it and prayed for that child multiple times a day! (I’m tearing up just thinking about it!) I don’t know what his parents said or thought between the two of them. I’m sure they broke down at points….I know they did actually. However, through this whole ordeal they had faith and they made it obvious. This child went through more than anyone should ever have to but in 6 weeks (I believe…sorry if I’m off) he went from being in the most horrific accident I’ve ever seen to going back to school!! I feel a little guilty when I say this but I feel like this was a wake up call for a lot of people. I think this was an opportunity for a Christian family to show their strength and for God to show what he can do! I know that the time I spent praying and the recovery that I saw happen had a profound effect on my faith. I also know that I’m not the only one who was effected in that way. I’m afraid if it were my child in the accident and someone said that…..I’d be upset wondering why it had to be my kid who suffered for others to wake up….which is why I feel guilty looking at it in that way but regardless of how you see it….a whole community witnessed a miracle! Life’s not fair but God is good!!

OK the next step is much less traumatic! My youngest son had been after me for a while to go to church….problem was finding a church! I felt terrible not taking a child to church that wanted to go. Well it turned out he had several friends going to a youth group at the same church where I went as a child. He asked me to take him and I agreed but ugh…..it was so annoying deciding if I was going to drive home for 30 min and drive all the way back or sit in the car forever! It was not fun! (Life’s not fair but God is good!) One night I dropped him off and decided to go to the dollar store to kill some time. While I was in there I saw an acquaintance who attended the church. She invited me to join her group who gets together at the church at the same time as the youth group. I said no of course cause umm that’s weird! Lol! I said I might go another time and sure enough that’s what I did! And going on Sunday nights lead to going on Wednesday nights which led to going on Sunday mornings and before I knew it we had joined the most awesome church I had ever attended!!

God was obviously present for all of these situations, but make no mistake…..the devil was too! I mentioned a couple of my hang ups with Christianity. Well what I think was my biggest hang up was homosexuality!! I know an love people who are gay and I will never believe that this is a choice…..not even now! So calling it a sin is very difficult for me! I decided I would just have to put that on the back burner for the time being and address it later if I was going to have any chance at being a church going Christian. EVERY time I stepped foot in a church or at a religious event homosexuality was brought up!! For a long time!! I hung in there though and eventually it stopped…..or at least slowed down. Also I could have viewed the event with the young boy as evidence that there is no God rather than a miracle and wake up call. The pastor of the wonderful church that I love just packed up one day and left his family and the church with no warning! I cried on that one! There also have been plenty of other trials etc and you really have to remind yourself to turn to God through it all! Life’s not fair but God is good!

I feel like most everyone I know accepted God at a much younger age and I think doing so at an older age has ups and downs. I don’t see the excitement in other people about learning the scripture etc. I assume because they have known it all for years. I like that I still find it exciting. A down side is that people assume that I know things that I don’t know! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard “you remember when we studied ___________” or “We all know the story of _____________” or “this is directly related to ____________that you’ve heard your whole life”. NOPE! I don’t know any of it! Can we just start over please??? The biggest down side to “waking up late” is that my children weren’t in church like they should have been. I’m doing what I can to make up for it but there’s only so much I can do. Life’s not fair but God is good!

So as I said….I’ve got a long way to go, but I’ve come a long way already! Hope y’all have all had a wonderful Sunday!!